A) Let’s go shopping!

B) Talk to the hand!

C) AAAAAH OH GOD IT BURNS YEAAARGH!!!!!

When you’re at a party, you often find yourself wondering:

A) Does that guy think I’m cute?

B) Is someone wearing the same outfit as me?

C) What smells like burning hair?

You see your crush in the school cafeteria and wave to him. He:

A) Runs over and asks if he can sit with you.

B) Waves back, but continues talking to his friends.

C) Screams in horror as he tries to stamp out the fiery blaze on your sweater with his foot. (Bonus: the way he is wearing his hair today makes him look like Brad Pitt!)

The kids at school notice you when you walk down the hall because:

A) You are the lead in the school play.

B) You are president of the student council.

C) You are the one setting off the overhead sprinkler system.

In your high school yearbook, you were voted:

A) Biggest flirt.

B) Best Athlete.

C) Most likely to catch on fire someday.

You wake up one morning and notice that you have a totally gross unibrow! You:

A) Pluck it right away. How embarrassing!

B) Ignore it. If anyone judges you, they are not your real friends, anyway.

C) Trick question: you no longer have eyebrows.

It’s junior prom, and this super cute guy on the high school football team asks you to dance! You:

A) Immediately say yes and ditch your friends. He is such a hottie!

B)  Reject him. Your best friend already told you she likes him and you would never want to hurt your friendship.

C)  Hurl yourself to the ground and roll back on forth on the gymnasium floor, covering your head to prevent the searing flames from spreading to your neck and face. Time slows to a halt. For the first time in your young life you are faced with the grave realization that these next few excruciating moments might be the last you ever spend on earth. You then look over and notice that Debbie Parsons, your ex’s new girlfriend, is also on fire, but it totally looks better on you.

You would best describe your wardrobe as:

A) Flirty

B) Funky

C) Flammable

In twenty years you see yourself as:

A) A famous fashion designer working in New York City.

B) A veterinarian. You absolutely love animals!

C) Not on fire.

Mostly A’s: You’ve got nothing to worry about, girl! You are a fresh, fab fashionista who turns heads wherever she goes. No fires here!

Mostly B’s: You are a smart, vigorous go-getter. The only fire you have to worry about is the red-hot fire of your own ambition!

Mostly C’s: You are literally on fire. Put down this magazine and seek immediate medical attention. If you survive, check out our five-part expose on the miracle of jeggings!

A red herring is an idea. A red herring is a hundred ideas rolled into one. It’s a fifty foot high idea ball made up of regular-sized ideas. But more importantly a red herring is a concept.

“What sort of concept? What more can you tell me about red herrings that hasn’t been said a million times before?”

Hundreds of thousands of things. There are so many, many things about red herrings that have not yet been said. Countless things. Our western media has largely ignored red herrings because of industry pressure from Big Oil. But that ends today.

“I have a successful small business and I’m looking to expand but don’t know where to start. What can red herrings do to transform my fledgling company into a top earning success story?”

Today there are a lot of cliche, ambiguous and vague phrases thrown around in the business world: synergy, thinking outside the box, paradigm shifts, six sigma, scalability. Through a top-down integrated approach, the red herring can do all those things and more.

“What does a red herring look like?”

A red herring is small but it is also fifty to sixty times larger than love or hate or indifference. It’s bigger than you and me and your sister, Sally. Sally doesn’t even come close to the size of a red herring. Your sister Sally could drive all the Sally’s of the world around town in a red herring station wagon honking at cute boys. And yet a red herring can fit behind your sister’s left cornea and go unnoticed by the world’s best ophthalmologists. A red herring is benign.

“Should I be afraid of red herrings? Is there cause for alarm? Are red herrings something I should fear?”

One question at a time, good sir.

Red herrings are always more afraid of you than you are of red herrings. That being said, the opposite is true: a red herring is a gun in the hand of your worst enemy. A red herring will cut you down in your prime. A red herring will squeeze the life out of your children, it will decapitate your lover and throw you in a cage with thirty screaming baboons. A red herring will crawl into your head and molest your hopes and dreams.

Keep in mind red herrings are nothing to be feared.

“Did red herrings support various coup d’etats in Latin America in an attempt to establish puppet governments and further a modern imperialist agenda?”

No, red herrings did not do that. A red herring did invent guerilla warfare, back when guerillas were mostly peaceful creatures.

“Should I consult a second doctor about the spotted growth on my thigh?”

The red herring is a constantly expanding greyish blob, immeasurable in size. It has three enormous human arms on the outside of its amorphous body. Two of the arms gently rock a colossal baby back and forth while the other controls an assault rifle. With its assault rifle, Caroline, the red herring mows down unsuspecting crowds of people as it slimes its way from city to city. The “tack-tack-tack” of the assault rifle makes the giant baby laugh.

The red herring has no conscience, it has no emotion. It has never felt love or hate. This is what makes a red herring strong! It does not feel remorse as it absorbs the bodies of the fallen. It does not stop to smell a warm pie in a windowsill. It isn’t even aware of pies. The red herring is something of both fantasy and science fiction.

The red herring is a balloon. The red herring is a space shark. The red herring is a blue cheese Ferris Bueller statue speckled with emotion and dialed to four million different settings.

The red herring is Tom Hanks.

2. Checking your phone at 10 minute intervals all day on the off chance he has called or texted you.

You: Sorry, I need to step outside of the shiva for a second; I’m waiting on a very important call.

3.         Loitering in his neighborhood: Ex. Going for coffee in his neighborhood, going grocery shopping in his neighborhood, petting dogs in his neighborhood, examining bits of discarded cigarette packs in his neighborhood, inspecting sidewalks for cracks in his neighborhood…

4. Knowing all his friends’ names purely through facebook stalking and accidentally mentioning them in conversation with him.

Him: I didn’t know you knew Ricky.

You: Oh yeh, my dog went to high school with him….sister….my sister went to high school with him.

5. Attending events for groups you have barely even heard of in the hope of running into him.

Friend: Why the fuck are you going to the Norwegian ski team’s meet and greet of Ulrich von Fleibermeiber?

You: I’m big into Fleibermeiber these days.

6. Disregarding the fact that he told you he’s going through his Bukowski phase…proceeding to pick out China patterns for the wedding.

7. Texting him to casually let him know that you maybe saw him walking down the street.

“I saw a navy blue blur on University and Milton. Lol. Was that u? ;p”

8. Getting dressed up and made up in case he calls. Falling asleep eating peanut butter off a spoon.

9. Google searching him, finding a youtube video of him singing Greenday at a high school assembly, watching on repeat, full screen…on a Friday night.

10. Stalking him via facebook and clicking on every girl he friends or who has posted on his wall to see if she:

a) Is prettier than you

b) Lives in the same city

c) Is single

d) Is prettier than you

11.  Quoting things said during sex and recontextualising them to sound like loving compliments and promises of a future together.

What you hear: You             are awesome.

What he said:    Your [tits] are awesome.

What you hear: I love                 you.

What he said:    I love fucking, you!

12. Masturbating.  Giving Up. Crying. Repeating.

13. Writing an article about your pathetic exploits in an attempt to boost your ego and convince yourself you are a cool, funny girl. Realizing no one wants to put their dick in funny.

“Frankly, I’ve been waiting for years for dem to let me dig ‘is body up.” master grave-robber Bones Tennessee told us on Saturday.

He’s referring to Seattle city council’s decision to allow the “Hard Rock Cafe” to exhume the body of deceased grunge legend Kurt Cobain. Mr. Tennessee, best known for his bad breath and untreated Syphilis, is expected to dig up the remains late Wednesday night under the cover of darkness.

“They says they can get me all the tools I need. I tells ‘em I don’t need any tools. I got two hands, don’t I? Then I told ‘em I’m going to need a couple of fourteen year old prostitutes and a fifth of vodka. When they said no, I said they could pay me in teeth.” Tennessee told us. “They’re paying me in teeth!”

The popular chain of themed restaurants purchased the rights to Cobain’s corpse from his widow, Courtney Love. Love agreed to transfer the skeletal remains to CEOs Terrence Holden and Mort Harrison, in exchange for one of Hard Rock Cafe’s famous bacon cheeseburgers.

“Sure, the cost of one of those cheeseburgers is nothing to us,” Holden told us, “but having Courtney Love eat in one of our restaurants could really ruin the Hard Rock Cafe’s classy atmosphere. Long story short, Courtney’s going to eat the cheeseburger in an alleyway.”

According to press release published on Friday, the skeleton will be placed atop a fake, full sized bucking bronco. The skeleton will be wearing an American flag cowboy hat and, of course, Cobain’s trademark plaid jacket. The backdrop to the display will be a mock moonscape. To top it off there will be an all-too-clever homage to Seattle: it will appear to be raining. However, it will be raining dollar bills.

The display will form part of a series of the restaurant’s tributes to the world’s greatest grunge legends, none of who are well known enough to be mentioned in this article.

To ramp up interest in the stunt, Holden and Harrison are going to be introducing a new burger to their menu in honour of Cobain.

“We thought no tribute to Kurt Cobain would be complete without a reference to drug abuse, so we invented the Grunge Burger. It’s a decadent 8 oz patty topped with caramelized onions, a slice of brie, fresh fig and a balsamic vinaigrette sauce. But here’s what makes it the Grunge Burger: the waiter comes to your table with a spoon of the vinaigrette and heats it in front of you with a lighter before injecting it into the burger with a syringe. Bones gave us the idea. That man has track marks on his eye lids.” Holden told us.

When we asked former band mate and Foo Fighters frontman, David Grohl, where Cobain could be reached for comment, Grohl told us to “hop in [our] Delorian, drive back in time and go fuck [ourselves].”

Tabloids across the United Kingdom have recently been gripped by what is surely one of the most deeply odd stories ever reported. It’s a macabre tale of dwarves, pornography, Gordon Ramsay, and Badgers: It is the strange death of Percy Foster.

 A month ago, 39 year old actor Percy Foster was alive and well. He was in good spirits having just “ordered a new BMW” after cashing the paycheck from a starring role his first production. The film in question was Hi-Ho Hi-Ho It’s Up Your Arse We Go, a title that makes much more sense when one understands that Percy Foster was not a traditional actor, but a dwarf porn star.

Also seen in the deleted scenes of Snow White, deemed “too provocative” for mainstream audiences. 

He had rose to fame in this exceedingly niche market for his uncanny resemblance to celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay. Since there are apparently multitudes of people who watch Hell’s Kitchen and think of masturbating to a miniaturized version of its host, producers felt they had struck gold when they discovered Percy.

They do bear a little resemblance… in fact there’s no shortage of similarities, maybe only tiny differences. 

Finding work is a challenge that faces many people affected with dwarfism, and thus when offered a notable sum of money for work as a porn star, Percy felt he would be remiss not to take the job. It was then that he entered the world of dwarf pornography, an industry that proves the old axiom “there are no small parts, only small actors” in its most anatomical sense.

It seemed like Percy was poised to become a fixture in his field and perhaps even a minor celebrity, but as his director recently stated, “he was a little guy with big problems”. While friends say he may have been troubled, neither they nor anyone else could possibly fathom what fate had in store for the diminutive star.

Didn’t see that one coming, did you?

Workers for the Ministry of Agriculture found Percy Foster dead during a survey of land for a planned Badger gassing program in Tregaron, West Wales. Deep in the Badger’s den was the body – half eaten and identifiable only by fingerprints. It is a gruesome and dark end to the life of Percy Foster that leaves us with literally endless questions.

How did the star wind up in the badger’s den? Was it murder? Suicide? And what is a “Badger-gassing program”? These are queries we may never have the answer to, and only serve in contributing to the public fascination that has emerged in this grotesque story.

Badger appeased.

But as more facts of this incident steadily roll in, the time is now to wonder - is this simply a tragic accident or a chilling portent of things to come? Perhaps this is just the first in a string of animal related murders of food network look-a-likes, with river otters savagely drowning a miniature Bobby Flay and dwarf Guy Fieri being torn apart by eagles. It may sound far-fetched, but after what happened to Percy Foster, it’s logical to assume that absolutely anything is possible.

While only time will tell if this prediction comes true, what we can do in the present is try to process this truly bizarre story and more importantly mourn the death of Percy Foster, a man for whom life was just too short.

 R.I.P. Percy Foster – 1972-2011

Over the last decade Walmart’s annual profits have exceeded the combined GDPs of a dozen small countries. However, 15 trillion seemed too large- even for the world’s largest corporation.

“The Chinese government has earned a ton of money using slave labor in state-owned factories to make cheap plastic crap to sell to Americans and were happy to lend me what I needed to buy America,” Moneygrubber explained in his official statement. “I don’t necessarily see a problem with mortgaging the entire country to foreigners for my personal benefit.”

Shocking much of Walmerica, Obama is rumored to have accepted Moneygrubber’s offer on the spot. More shocking still, Congress was able to pass the bill after a mere 67 hours of debating and hunger strikes.

“It’s unreal,” Republican senator Billy Elephant mused. “I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with a Democrat before.”

The implications of this literal buyout compare in size only to the average Walmerican’s waistband. Many analysts express concern over the future of Social Security, pointing to Walmart employees’ lack of health or pension benefits.  A spokesperson for Walmart refused to confirm or deny rumors that the retirement age will soon be raised to 95.

The public is currently watching and waiting (and eating cheese doodles) with bated breath for more twitter posts and updates concerning the current deconstruction of the entire United States government.

“Don’t worry, I’ll leave the constitution and important stuff in place,” Moneygrubber tweeted on Monday, “but it’s time for some REAL change around here.”

In a recent poll of ambiguous origin conducted with dubious reliability, a flabbergasting 73% of Walmericans “are eager for Moneygrubber’s ‘REAL change’” while 15% “are skeptical of change ever actually occurring” and 12% “want to move to Canada”.

Everyone, the world over, is wondering whether Moneygrubber will make good on an overused and frequently empty promise for change.

On Wednesday Moneygrubber made his first official post on the President of The United States of America’s Facebook© page. It contained a smiling picture of him and the new United States Board of Trustees, 100 well-suited men and women carefully selected by the completely unbiased, fair method of net worth. There are a few familiar names on the roster including Donald Trump, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Oprah, and Brad Pitt. Along with the picture came a concisely-worded PDF document listing their long term goals and values, as well as a few other updates:

• The name of the White House is officially changed to The Wal-House
• Wall Street is now Wal Street
• Indigent patients will be required to sell their organs in order to reimburse Medicare for the cost of medical procedures
• The U.S. Department of Defense will be available to fight wars on behalf of the highest bidder

Furthermore, in a press release from the Wal-House, a bill has already passed providing exemption from deportation for illegal aliens under the condition that they work in Walmart stores for 5 years. Fruit growers and maid services everywhere have been emptying out, and a shortage of bananas have hit supermarkets around the country.

Brad Pitt posted on his twitter earlier this afternoon, “Going bananas over no bananas! Don’t worry Walmerica, we’re taking care of it!”

Corporate-style government might be exactly what Walmerica needs right now.  Outlining specific issues and creating a balanced budget so that Walmerica can finally ‘get back in the green’ is one of the most important issues in society today.

In a reassuring tweet from Donald Trump, he announced, “My accountant is now the head of the Federal Reserve. He turns $ into more $, Walmerica is antonymous with the d-word.”

To end on an interesting note, a bill was also quietly passed legalizing cocaine allowing many high-powered professionals, public figures, and even some members of the board of trustees to come out into the open about their medicinal habits. Marijuana supporters everywhere have sparked joints in frustration.

i am in mourning

i am only awake in what i love to the point of terror

i am Sasha Fierce

i could be nothing

i could see for miles and miles

i dance like i fuck

i don’t know why i feel so tongue-tied

i don’t want my pussy to taste like rain

i get around

i have a cat named stevens

i have five clocks in my life

i knew him, Horatio

i wandered lonely as a cloud

i want a blackberry

i’m still an animal

i’m stuck here waiting for a passing feeling

i’ve fallen and i can’t get up

ice cream man dreams

ice dancing canadians

if the moon were made of spare ribs, would you eat it?

if you want to call me baby, just go ahead now

inner ear infections

into the wild

invoking pathos

ipod clones

is nutella healthy?

is stealing wrong?

is styrofoam recyclable?

is there a way to see who views your facebook profile?

“I’m not going to lie, we haven’t been very successful lately,” admitted union leader Sarah Bishop, “We all know what we want, but we’ve got no beat. The McGill Administration just doesn’t take us seriously when we have a hundred strikers out there creating a noisy, annoying racket.”

Munaca’s lack of flow is no secret. In fact, all you have to do is post up at the Roddick Gates with your crew for a few seconds before you start feeling like tossing up that bowl of Captain Crunch you had for breakfast. Despite showing up with a vast diversity of instruments, from snare drums to spoons and tin cups, the strikers have remained unable to feel the beat.

“Their beats are wack, dog,” said Mike D in a recent interview, “like, they just don’t get it right? They’ve got the energy, they’re feelin’ the love, but they’re being way to square about it, you feel me? How do they expect to get shit done when they can’t even get the streets poppin? But it’s ok, because I know just what they need. It’s going to be like L.A. when Rodney King got beat up after I’m done with them. I’m going to go in and drop a fucking half-empty keg on their head, break a few windows, and get wasted. It’s going to be crazy, and at first, they’re going to be scared shitless, but then I’m going get mad funky and show those mothers how to fight for their right.”

This represents an important step in Munaca’s bargaining techniques, which many hope will finally lead them to success.

“I’m excited,” remarked an anonymous picketer, “It was hard, at first, to admit how lame our beats are, but once we got past that step, we started making some real progress, and bringing in Mike D is definitely a step in the right direction.”

Mike D has been in the hip-hop game for over thirty years and is considered a virtuoso in the industry. Hailing from New York, New York he has been doing hoodrat stuff all his life. The Beastie Boys started getting noticed after their 1984 album “Fight For Your Right” and they’ve been riding the wave ever since. Their most recent album, “Hot Sauce Committee Part 2” failed to disappoint and reaffirmed the Boys’ status as hip-hop legends.

Mike D is the man for the job, and with any luck, Munaca is going to get set up with some dope pensions and benefits right in time to throw down for Halloween.

I’m going to start with Friends. Everyone watches that show. Canadians, Americans, Europeans, Scandinavians alike (probably). It’s a popular show. And not in the way that Two and a Half Men is a popular show. All of you out there have seen at least one episode and were mildly entertained for those thirty minutes, which is more than I can say for Two and a Half Men (I cannot stress it enough, this is not a good show and no Emmy will convince me otherwise). I will never retract that statement (either one, actually) and if you disagree, you are liars (or you have really poor taste in comedy, in which case stop reading before I feel insulted).

Anyway, Jen is funny and adorable and she makes me feel like we’re close friends which is why I felt like I could call her “Jen”. And she is the only one of those characters who is successful and that I care about. Monica is on some depressing show about cougars to prove to everyone she’s still hot, and I heard somewhere that Chandler is addicted to coke (and not in the cool, hip way). I don’t even know where Joey went, and David Schwimmer is and will always be creepy and uninteresting (like a much less cool Bob Saget) and probably has his own show somewhere that I don’t want to see (and neither do you). Jennifer “Old Faithful” Aniston, on the other hand, is a movie star with really great hair.

Now before you go tearing apart every movie my favorite actress and most inspiring role model has been in, hear me out. She has been in some awful movies (except for Marley and Me. Rent it, laugh, feel, cry). If Tom Hanks has taught us anything (besides surviving on a deserted island and never underestimating what a slightly above retarded country boy can do), it is that you become a more legitimate actor when you make the switch from television to film acting. I don’t really care though, because I think it’s way more awesome that Jen just doesn’t give a fuck. You have a part for her in a movie with Adam Sandler that has totally been done before? She’ll take that shit and enjoy the millions she is going to get just because her name is on that poster. You want to put her in a modern adaptation of The Graduate that will never see an audience outside of an eight-hour flight to Seattle? Sign this bitch up. She’s so cool and popular (and pretty), she can be in millions of bad movies and an interview with Tila Tequila and still be awesome. Say what you will about her, but she has and will always be on the front-page of The Enquirer, Star, and People Magazine, and if that doesn’t scream popular and cool, what does? Office Space was pretty good, too.