Dear Ms. Jackson,
I’m sorry for what I did.
Sincerely, Andre.

Like a lollipop.
How many licks does it take?
Small discrepancy.

I’m dialling the phone;
Concrete chatter, truth gabfest.
Yo’ girls be trippin’.

Running like a colt.
Wed me, damn it, wed me!
Da club brings solace.

A distant body.
How about a mundane pond?
It’s no waterfall.

~ Zoe Daniels

            Can we talk? I know we’ve only been together for a little over a semester, but I’m trying to nip this problem in the butt. Yes, you read correctly. Butt. Not bud, as per the normal figure of speech. For you see, my issue lies with your butts, collectively. I may be accused of being a keener and getting to class way too early, but I’ve noticed a problem that persists even if I leave three, even four minutes time between your ass vacating the lecture hall seat and mine occupying it. I am talking, of course, of residual ass warmth (RAW). RAW is a problem we cannot simply wish away. We need to take concrete and immediate action to ensure that the only ass warmth felt by patrons of McGill’s classrooms is their own. I have here a four point plan I’m calling Coordinating Optimal Ottoman-Keister Temperature (COOKT) to remedy the situation.

1)Stay after your class (the samosa will still be there when you’re done, I promise) and locate the seats in the next class that no one wants to sit in (splash zone, behind the smelly kid, next to that guy who breathes really loud). Sit in these seats during your class, thereby making use of the inevitable empties in the next.

2)Take a tip from Sick Boy and Renton and stop taking up so much space on the seat, thereby reducing the possibility of creating RAW. Your waif-like tuckus should take up no more than a quarter of the proffered lecture seat.

3)If you really need to eat, make sure you don’t consume anything that could encourage gas build up in the alimentary canal. Though it has not yet been studied in olfactory detail, I am led to believe that RAW is not created solely by extended seating.

4)Helpfully put your books/Timmy Ho’s meal/MacBook on the seat next to you, making it impossible for anyone to sit there without -eek- interacting with your angry, hungry, tweaking self.

So, McGill, do you think we can work this out? This is really not a selfish endeavor, I truly am looking to a golden age where no one is warmed by the left-over buttock heat of any other person, where students may create their own level of posterior comfort in each and every class they take here at our illustrious McGill University.

Regards,

Zoe Daniels