The Red Herring » Matt Essert

Sun Finally Comes Out but You Missed It Cramming for Exams

editor — Sat, 09 Jul 2011 23:19:13 +0000

This week, the sun has begun to come out and provide welcoming rays of sunshine to vitamin D-deprived McGill students and Montreal residents alike. Unfortunately, as a McGill student, you are too busy studying for finals in the library to enjoy the nice weather.
You, a U-something student studying whatever boring thing you signed up for, were very excited when the sun started to shine yesterday afternoon and you were able to wear a light jacket outside instead of your heavy winter coat. However, that initial excitement was immediately superseded by the dreadful realization that you have to start studying for your stupid finals.
“I was ready to get out my hacky sack and start pounding brews, but now I have to write this dumb paper,” you said.
You were especially annoyed by the large windows in the library which provided vistas of the lower field filled with students who somehow finished their work and looked like they were having the greatest times of their lives.
“It’s like McGill is taunting me,” you silently said under your breath in the library so other lame students wouldn’t start complaining while they were working on their lame papers.
Sam “Sunshine” Stevens, a local meteorologist, explained that gradual increases in temperature are common to the season, and people shouldn’t be concerned.
“There is no reason to worry,” Stevens said. “It’s always supposed to get warmer around this time of the year. It has something to do with how the Earth spins,” he added, pointing to a diagram of the planet’s rotation and various sketches of ice cubes melting.
Despite this, you remain displeased with the specific timing of the increased warmth and sunshine. You have even raised concerns that McGill may have planned this schedule in order to make your life as miserable as possible. But Gorton Pendelsen, a spokesperson from the McGill Darkroom Scheming department, has denied such allegations.
“Listen, we have our hands in a lot of things, but we looked into this and changing the natural cycle of the seasons was just out of our budget. As you know, McGill is dramatically underfunded,” said Pendelsen from atop his throne of jewel-encrusted skulls. “It just worked out this way, for better or worse … but mainly for better.”
During this upcoming finals season, you have made a promise to yourself to get as much work done as possible early on so you can have more time to spend outside in the gorgeous weather. However, preliminary reports are indicating that this probably won’t happen since you’ll spend so much time procrastinating in the library that you’ll be there from sunrise to sunset every day and won’t get to enjoy the sunshine.
“This is going to really suck,” you said.

New Study Reveals Women Prefer Flowers Over Hot Wheels as Gifts

editor — Tue, 18 Jan 2011 21:33:48 +0000

A new study from the University of Pekington has shown that contrary to popular belief, most women prefer flowers, not Hot Wheels, as a gift on a date. The study used results from more than 1,700 women to reach this conclusion.
Francis Roy, the leading author on the study, explained that these findings are “truly groundbreaking” in the field of intersexual relations. He said that the idea to conduct the research came to him after a night out with his now-ex girlfriend.
“I thought I was being romantic,” said Roy. “I was just trying to do the chivalrous thing and appear at her door with a new set of Hot Wheels. I thought that was every girl’s dream.”
Roy commented that although the date that evening went relatively well, nothing much became of the relationship. He said that upon their break-up, the woman said that, among other things, she “hated those fucking Hot Wheels.”
Upon consulting with his male colleagues, most of whom also thought that Hot Wheels were the best gift, Roy decided to apply for a government grant and begin his research.
“We couldn’t believe that this was really the case,” he said. “But after many years of research, I know that studies and results are the best way to know something for sure.”
One of the co-authors in the study, James Worthington, explained that the procedures for the experiments were complicated and time consuming.
“There were a lot of variables in the mix,” said Worthington. “We had to try to conduct the experiments in several different ways so as to know whether the woman didn’t like the man or the gifts. It became very tricky.”
Worthington’s then girlfriend, Sasha Markson, suggested that the researcher just asked woman what their preference was: flowers or Hot Wheels. However, Roy apparently shot this idea down almost immediately citing its “lack of scientificness.”
“We could have gone the easy route, but then we wouldn’t have known if our results were accurate or telling,” said Roy. “Although my way took about five years, I think the results were worth it.”
According to the findings, 78 per cent of women prefer flowers on a first date, 17 per cent have no preference, and the remaining 5 per cent prefer hot wheels.
However, Worthington commented that after the first, second, third and fourth date, some women tended to “get tired of boring, old flowers and just wanted something fun to play with.”
Roy said that he believes these results will truly revolutionize the way men approach women and dating.
“For one, this is one less thing I have to worry about when I’m getting ready for a date,” he said. “Even though 22 per cent of women don’t have a strong preference for flowers, I think I’ll probably take my chances and go with the majority 78 per cent number.”
Roy said that these findings, while very telling and useful, are really only the beginning of this line of research.
“First, we have no idea why women want flowers instead of Hot Wheels,” he said. “You can play with Hot Wheels, you can’t play with flowers. I think that’s something we might approach in the next study.”
“Furthermore, we want to try to figure out whether it was just Hot Wheels that women had an aversion to, or if it’s all toys,” he added. “But that seems unlikely. Who doesn’t like toys?”
Worthington is less optimistic about future studies.
“Overall, this was a pretty big waste of my fucking time,” he said.
Jessica Blair, a woman, agreed with Worthington.
“Why didn’t they just ask,” said Blair. “I’m a woman, but I’m also an adult. Why would I want Hot Wheels?”

Sun Very Shiny Last Tuesday

editor — Mon, 27 Dec 2010 17:32:20 +0000

After several days of dreary skies, last Tuesday provided a welcome relief for Montrealers in the form of sunshine. The temperature measured 15 degrees C at its highest point around 2 PM.
The previous days had not been quite as warm as last Tuesday, mainly due to cloud cover during most of the days. Wind and occasional showers also made the days leading up to Tuesday less appealing.
Meteorologist Sam Backman said that though the sunshine was pleasing, Montreal resident shouldn’t get too used to it as the days continue to get colder during autumn and the approaching winter months.
“This was nothing out of the ordinary,” he said. “Some days are warmer than others, especially when its is sunny. The sun was the most likely cause of the warmer temperatures and brightness.”
Last Tuesday’s sun had several benefits. Not only did it provide some hope for those affected by Season Affective Disorder after a dreary weekend and rainy Monday, but Tuesday was also the final game of my fall softball league’s playoffs. Rain, or even cloudy skies, would have made the final game much less enjoyable.
“It’s a shame that we lost,” said first baseman Dave Cowan. “But I’m having a hard time remembering many of the details other than that sun. It was very shiny.”
The sun provides light and heat to the earth. It is technically considered a “star” and is located at the center of the Solar System. Its diameter is roughly 1,392,000 kilometers, making it 109 times that of the Earth. Although it appears yellow in colour from the earth’s surface, it is actually white.
“I think it’s really hot,” noted second grader Miles Duncan. “You could probably toast a marshmallow fast.”
It was this sun that shone through last Tuesday, unencumbered by cloud cover, providing Montrealers with a very pleasant day.
“Really not too hot. I mean, it is fall,” said Cowan. “It was kind of a pleasant, long-sleeve tee kind of day.”

Area Man Confused by Declining Use of ‘Whassup’

editor — Tue, 14 Dec 2010 17:31:50 +0000

Area man Joe Ross thought he was having the last laugh. “I couldn’t believe no one was saying it anymore,” he said. “Didn’t anybody else see that commercial?”
Until recently, Ross had been saying “whassup” on a regular basis to his friends and co-workers. He said it had been his favourite way to greet people and had become “kind of [his] own catchphrase.”
“Whassup” gained popularity after its first appearance during Monday Night Football on December 20, 1999 in an advertisement for Budweiser beer. The original as featured several friends saying “whassup” to each other via telephone. It quickly became a cultural phenomenon.
“It was just one of those things the people immediately gravitate towards,” said Professor Allan Quillman, head of cultural studies at Central State University. “Its actually not something that happens all too often, so its really exciting when it does.”
Like many of his friends, Ross became a fan of the phrase at the time of its original inception. However, as time went on, “whassup” lost its popularity to other phrases such as “don’t go there girlfriend,” and “oh no, he didn’t.” Ross remained a user of “whassup.”
“I thought it was a timeless classic,” he said. “I really don’t understand what’s happening.”
Ross was eventually alerted of the phrase’s decline in popularity after his close friends and family staged an intervention.
“It was getting really annoying,” said Simon Haggard, a close friend of Ross. “Every time I saw him, he would say it. It really annoyed me.”
According to Haggard, Ross was initially very unreceptive of his friends’ concerns, but after several hours of talking during the intervention, Ross began to come around.
“I guess I see why they want me to stop saying it,” he said. “But I’m still kind of confused about everything.”
Ross added that he’ll probably continue saying it in private and in online chat rooms, but will make an effort to avoid using it with acquaintances in person.
“I’m always trying to be as cool as possible,” he added. “So I’ll have to think of something new to say.”

Tide Unites Races with New Detergent

editor — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 14:36:22 +0000

Cincinnati, OH – In recent consumer news, Proctor & Gamble has announced a new addition to its Tide family of products: Tide Harmony. Tide Harmony will be joining the already extensive Tide family of products including Tide, Tide with a Touch of Downy, and the ever-popular Tide To Go. P&G President and CEO Trevor McClatchy made the announcement at the companies annual shareholders meeting. “Although the economy is tough right now, we hope that this new revolutionary product will help increase overall sales and continue the tradition of excellence at Proctor & Gamble,” said McClatchy.

Mr. McClatchy then revealed be Tide Harmony. “It is the first detergent that will let you mix whites and colors,” he explained. “We believe that we are not only making great strides in the science of laundry detergent, but also in the realm of race relations. This is it. This is the final frontier in forming a color blind world, both in and out of the laundry machine.”

After the conference, this reporter had the chance to sit down with the head of Tide’s R&D division, Don Von Johnson, to discuss the thought process behind the creation of Tide Harmony. Mr. Von Johnson seemed very passionate about and proud of his new product. “We just thought ‘enough is enough’. Here at Tide, we treat clothes like people… people you can make, and buy, and wear.” Although English is not Mr. Von Johnson’s first language, he quickly realized the connotations of what he had said and we shared an awkward moment of silence before continuing. “The point is that ‘separate but equal’ is wrong for people and should be wrong for clothes as well. We can’t continue to fool ourselves into believing this Pictionary.” When asked if he was sure he meant Pictionary (after I described the game to him), he then changed his statement to “[…] believing this charade.”

When asked if he would be able to share any of the details of the development process, Mr Von Johnson, like any loyal employee at such a company, would not reveal many details. He did however divulge that, “it was not easy to bring the whites and colors together. We had to integrate them slowly and carefully. In many of the first attempts, the end result was not pretty. There was a lot of [color] bleeding going on and many of the clothes came out of the wash completely different from when they went into it. It was a painful but important process, and I think the history books are going to show that what we did was [scientifically] right.”

Along with a large duffel bag of swag, Mr. Von Johnson thanked me for covering the story by providing me with a test sample of Tide Harmony. In order to provide a fair and accurate representation of capabilities of the new laundry detergent, I decided to run several trials with different colored garments.

The first wash was with a white shirt and a yellow shirt. This went relatively well as the t-shirts seem to come to a territorial understanding within the first wash. The second wash, a white shirt and a red shirt, had a great deal of color bleeding. Subsequent washes seemed to resolve most issues, but it still seems as though the red shirt feels down-trodden by the white shirts. The final wash paired a white shirt and a black shirt. The results varied from wash to wash; some resulting in harmonious understanding and others turning into uncontrollable torrents of violence inside the washer.

After my tests I contacted Mr. Von Johnson to ask if he had any insight into my findings. “Dr. King had a dream,” he said. “I, too, had a dream. And still have it. But when all you do is work with and think about laundry detergent, a lot of your dreams have to do with laundry detergent. All I can do is try to do the best I can in my field by making as many strides as I can and only hope that others may follow my lead. I may be walking in the dark, but at least my shirts will be clean.”

~ Matt Essert

A-Rod Turns To Marijuana

editor — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 04:37:52 +0000

New York, NY – In recent sporting news, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has started publicly smoking marijuana in order to distract the press from the current scandal around his steroid use. “People might get on me for this,” said Rodriguez, “but at least they’ll stop being a**holes about the steroid stuff.”

Rodriguez has attempted to employ a relatively straightforward and logical tactic. In a bit of a bait and switch, Rodriguez has decided to take people’s minds off the one drug that would keep him out of the Hall of Fame, and channel their judgments onto a drug that might very well land him in jail. When asked about the legal implications of his actions and what this might say to his adolescent fans, A-Rod responded, “First of all, I’m a professional athlete, we don’t get put in jail unless we commit aggravated robbery [Maurice Clarett], violate a probation [Dwight Gooden], do cocaine [Darryl Strawberry], conspire to commit murder [Mike Danton], shoot our girlfriends [Rae Carruth], set up drug deals [Jamal Lewis], smuggle cocaine [Bob Probert], evade our taxes [Pete Rose], or rape an 18-year-old beauty pageant contestant [Mike Tyson]… so thanks, but I don’t think I have to worry about anything like that.”

“As for the kids, I’m not Barney, I’m not Coldplay; I’m not there for their entertainment. I’m just like any other American going to work everyday to bring home a paycheck that lets me put food on the table. You might think $28 mill a year is a lot, but trust me, I feel just as much of a financial pinch as any other American. I’ll start worrying about the kids when they start worrying about me.”

The Yankees organization has decided to support Rodriguez in these new efforts, but has expressed worry in the change of his on-field performance. Manager Joe Girardi commented, “He’s been a bit sluggish out there. His bat speed has definitely decreased and his reaction time in the field isn’t what it used to be. Overall, he’s become a terrible player who wouldn’t make the cut on a high-school intramural team. On the plus side, he seems to be having a great time out there, really enjoying the game in every way. If he’s happy, we’re happy.”

Rodriguez, on the other hand, hasn’t noticed any difference in his play. “I think I’m playing better than ever. It’s like I’m in the Matrix and I’m seeing everything in an entirely different way than I did before. Sure, maybe I’m having a hard time hitting any pitches over 40 miles per hour, but who hasn’t had a slump at one point in their career? I think this might prove to be my best year ever.” Upon saying this, Alex bit off a piece of my tape recorder.

By disguising his cannabis use as a distraction from the steroid scandal, there will likely be more attention placed on the prolific third basemen. This will result in further scrutiny of A-Rod’s drug use. “If this doesn’t work,” concluded Rodriguez, “I’ll just have to start using harder drugs. At least I started with weed… you know, a nice inviting gateway drug.”

Although unconfirmed, other reports have claimed that the entire Boston Red Sox roster has been supporting Rodriguez in these tough times.

~ Matt Essert

PSYCH 100

editor — Fri, 26 Feb 2010 04:28:30 +0000

MONTREAL, QC – In academic news, a fourth year science student recently opted to enroll and remain in Introduction to Psychology (PSYCH 100) after being captivated by a girl in the class. Only one semester away from graduation, Tony Willbooth has put his upcoming graduation in a great deal of jeopardy. “Yeah,” Mr. Willbooth stated, “I really needed to take another five required courses to complete my degree, but she’s just so darned cute. I really have no interest in psychology and do not foresee a good grade”.

Tony explained that he was hanging out with one of his “bros” in between classes when he decided to “grab some ‘za” and sit in on the class “just for kicks.” It was in one of the 450+ seats of Leacock 132 where Tony noticed his dream girl. “I really like the look of her. She’s not super hot, like not airline-stewardess-hot or stripper hot, but she’s cute and seems kind of approachable. I’m starting to realize that I’m not a first or second year anymore and that I’m getting to that age where I need to be thinking about reality and settling down.”

Upon seeing the girl in question, Mr. Willbooth immediately went on Minerva to enroll in the course, but quickly realized that it would throw off his entire schedule. However, Tony was sure that this was “true love,” and dropped several of his required classes in favour of PSYCH 100. “I realize that this may very well cost me my graduation and the summer internship I have lined up, but you can’t put a price on love. Well, I guess I’m gonna have to do another semester at McGill, and that’ll probably cost around $8,000, so I guess we could put a price on this love–$8,000 plus living expenses or something, but that’s not the point…right?”

When asked why he didn’t just attend the class without registering for it, Tony paused, then firmly and thoughtfully responded, “You suck.” Later, upon further contemplation, Tony concluded that he “needed a conversation starter in case [he] ever actually talked to her. Also, the add/drop period just ended.” Mr. Willbooth currently has no plans or intentions to approach or talk to his “dream girl.”

According to Mr. Willbooth, the girl, who will remain anonymous (mainly to protect her identity, but also mainly because Tony does not know her name), is a brunette, appears to be in first year, and uses a white Apple MacBook. Tony has made a formal request that anyone with any leads as to who this girl is, contact him at tony.willbooth/not.wilkesbooth@gmail.com. Further contact information can also be found at http://theredherring.net/.

~Matt Essert

Iowa Pulls Out All the Stops to Combat Rising Gas Prices

editor — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 22:54:38 +0000

DES MOINES, IA – The Governor of Iowa has taken the next step to help his citizens combat the ever-rising gas prices facing Americans. Iowa Governor Chet Culver says, “Enough is enough. I can’t have the people of Iowa, the people who elected me into office of this magnificent state, suffering from high gas prices. There is enough going badly in the economy without needing to worry about filling up the tank.” This past Tuesday, Governor Culver signed a bill to demolish all roads in the state of Iowa. “If there are no roads, people can’t drive. It’s simple economics.”

Several political petroleum analysts and all-purpose experts say they saw this coming. “First it was changing the state motto, then increasing speed limits, then decreasing speed limits, then enforcing new laws, and nothing was working,” explains resident expert Paul Ganglia, “this was really the only step left.” When asked to elaborate on this statement, Mr. Ganglia responded by giving this reporter the finger… that’s right, the middle finger.

However, after some sleuthing, I learned more about the state’s past attempts to deal with the gas crisis. All the actions involved discouraging driving in one way or another in hopes of cutting down gas consumption. However, not once did the state attempt to simply tell citizens to cut back on driving. The first such action made to discourage driving was to subtly change the state motto from “Iowa, so much to discover” to “Iowa, no place like home” to a more direct, “Iowa, its all the same”, and finally to “Iowa, stay home.” When this didn’t work, the state government passed multiple forms of legislature aimed at making driving more difficult and annoying. At first, experts concluded that increasing the minimum speed on all roads to 100 mph (160 kmph) would make driving so dangerous that people wouldn’t even dare pull out of their driveways. This failed entirely, resulting in an unprecedented average of 127.7 accidents per day (a national record). The next step was lowering the speed limit to 5 mph (8 kmph) in order to making driving so inefficient that people would walk instead. Again the state of Iowa underestimated the persistence and resilience of its people, who continued to drive their vehicles despite the obvious absurdity and inadequacy of the situation.

“The problem,” explained Governor Culver, “is that the brave, beautiful citizens of this magnificent state are really not smart. They’re not the brightest in the bunch. The sharpest tools in the shed. The yellowiest corn in the harvest. They are stupid, plain stupid. The original plan was to just tell citizens to stop driving so that they cut down on gas consumption, but extensive research has shown that this would lead to widespread panic, eventually ending in some sort of post-apocalyptic Mad Max scenario.

“Therefore, we are going with our last possible option, to destroy every road in the state. Of course, we can’t tell people we are doing this on purpose, so I sure as shootin’ hope that tape recorder isn’t on. It’s not, right? Good. We’re just gonna tell the people that jealous road-hating terrorists did it. Hopefully this will solve the gas problem and promote the creation of more militias, which is one of the platforms that won me my position back in ’06.”

With gas prices ranging around $22 per gallon (approximately $5.81 per litre), it is clear that some initiative, no matter what the level of stupidity, should be taken.

Chet, as he prefers to be called by his “foxy” interns (his words), also offered me these photographs of some of the first streets to be demolished. “KA-BLAAAMEY,” quipped Chet.

~ Matt Essert

PETA Announces Lawsuit Against King of the Jungle

editor — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 15:56:02 +0000

In a recent announcement made by a spokesperson at PETA, the major animal rights organization has decided to press charges against The King of the jungle, the lion. After a recent personnel change in the front office at PETA, Mr. Brawn, the new president, has decided that their animal rights efforts have not been extended far enough. “We are going to continue our main goal in preventing human enjoyment of animal flesh,” Mr. Brawn stated, “however, animals are our equals, and will be treated as such. That simply means that they will be held to all the same standards as people, and since we do not eat other people, animals will no longer be permitted to eat other animals. It’s simple logic, and it’s simply right!

“If we expect to be taken seriously, we must adhere to our own rules. That means we must go to all lengths to treat animals like humans. I believe it was Thurgood Marshall who first argued that humans shouldn’t eat human flesh. He actually took that one to the Supreme Court in Brown v. Board of Education. And here at PETA, we believe that if Mr. Marshall were still here he would firmly agree with us. That is why this campaign will be carried out in the loving memory of Thurgood. We like to believe he would have liked to be associated with this righteous movement.”

Although the room was filled with feelings of both overwhelming shock and unbearable boredom, Mr. Brawn continued, “To start our campaign, we have decided to go after the main culprit. Right now, we can’t stop all the carnage, but a game of hopscotch starts with one hop, and we think the lion is that first step. If we can make an example out of the lion, we hope that the rest of the animal kingdom will take notice. Eventually, we hope to stop all eating of all animals, which, contrary to what scientists keep saying, will work.”

This news shocked the world of law. Many people believed that tackling the gun industry and the tobacco industry were going to be two of the hardest cases of the century, however, in light of the recent proceedings, law analysts have been changing their minds. “I really think this will be a tough case for PETA,” said Professor Rubins, one of the foremost experts on property law, an expertise that is useless here. “Not only do they have to take on a major, beloved member of the animal kingdom, but they also have to worry about the fact that lions are ferocious creatures and could bite any one of PETA’s lawyer’s heads off at any moment.”

Although this continues to be a developing story, for now we can firmly conclude that PETA is a super un-cool not for profit organization funded by scams and donations and run with the ridiculous belief that animals are somehow equal to humans. However, as a reporter, I feel the need to abstain from giving my own thoughts on the organization.

~Matt Essert