What do you find to be the biggest nuisance?

A: Difficulty in actualizing role as judge, jury, and executioner in a corrupt city that lets dope-peddlers and cop-killers walk free

B: Current regime

C: Snitches; newest package not primo enough

D: Ferocious, enigmatic sperm whales

E: Steady decline in craftsmanship quality of monocles

F: Plight of humankind in techno-dystopian 24^th century

What do you prefer to hunt?

A: Anyone that hampers your extralegal investigation proving that this thing goes all the way to the top

B: Members of rival ethnic/religious/political groups; UN peacekeeping forces

C: Snitches; Footlocker employees who refuse to give discounts on newest Air Jordans

D: Ferocious, enigmatic sperm whales

E: Disparagers of your reputation and honor.

F: Malicious robots from the future, disguised as humans, infiltrating the highest reaches of government

You frequently find yourself saying:

A: Cool, wry one-liners punctuated with a long draw on your Lucky Strike

B: Viva la revolucîon / تحيا الثورة / Да живее революцията

C: Break yourself; bitches better recognize; word, son, word

D: From hell’s heart I stab at thee; for hate’s sake I spit my last breath at thee.

E: I say!

F: Abnormal biosignature detected; synthetic endosystem confirmed; target acquired.

With whom do you identify the most?

A: Inspector “Dirty” Harry Callahan

B: Idi Amin

C: Eazy-E

D: Juro Oka and the brave fisherman of Taiji

E: William Pitt the Younger

F: As the last surviving member of the elite squad of Cybernetic Time Jumpers, nobody

You won’t rest until:

A: The streets are safe

B: The streets run red with blood

C: All your kicks, whips, and hos are diamond encrusted and your blunts are so oversized that smoking them is very difficult

D: Your current peg-leg has been replaced with one crafted from the bones of that ferocious, enigmatic sperm whale

E: The gamekeeper, cook, and scullery maid are all properly flogged for the atrocious preparation of this supper-fowl

F: All the robo-doppelgangers have been neutralized and the future of humankind is guaranteed

You perfect day starts with:

A: A glass of Kentucky rye and a stick of toasted Virginia tobacco

B: Two beheadings and a coup

C: A 40 ounce bottle of malt-liquor beverage and two hours of Yo! MTV Raps reruns

D: An extra ration of hard-tack, salt-cod, and rum-spirits

E: Word that the peasant uprising has been quelled with flintlock and sabre

F: Calibrating your bioenhancement systems while your ocular implants intake rays of the yet-untainted EarthSun

You’re grabbing a drink with your BFF when (s)he says a hottie across the room is eyeing you. You:

A: Finish discussing your BFF’s imminent retirement from the force and eye the hottie. Just as she winks the shots ring out. Suddenly you’re covered in your BFF’s brains and the hottie’s nowhere to be found. You know the slugs were meant for you.

B: Continue planning tomorrow’s two beheadings and coup

C: Realize she’s the same bitch that tried to play your boy for the child support money, so you make sure that you rubber up right

D: Know that you can distract yourself with no woman while that all-destroying but unconquering whale still swims

E: Send a messenger to make haste with an inquiry to her father regarding the affordances of her dowry

F: Sidle up next to her and implement pre-mating conversational routine #14 as a ruse, while subtly obtaining a biosample. After bioanalysis indicates functional reproductive capacity and no heritable genetic abnormalities, you wirelessly inseminate her and return to your mission.

Results: http://www.theredherring.net/2010/12/07/gun-quiz-results/

Mostly A’s: Any handgun that fires .44 Magnum rounds (e.g. Colt Anaconda, Desert Eagle)

Considered to be the prime weapon for extra-judicial law enforcement, the .44 magnum has also been used against polar bears and elephants with success. The cartridge has sufficient energy to produce hydrostatic shock – that is to say a shot to the chest can kill your target via immediate brain damage from the pressure of the impact – an essential component of raw street justice.

Mostly B’s: AK-47

One of the first true assault rifles, its durability, low production cost, and ease of use have made it the world’s most popular gun. It’s nearly impossible to find a conflict after 1947 that hasn’t involved an AK-47. You can even find it on the flags of Mozambique and Hezbollah. The current going price in Kenya is four cows, down from fifteen in 1986.

Mostly C’s:  Gold-plated AK-47

See above. If cost is a consideration, try the Mac-10. Enter “Mac-10” into any online lyrics database for primary source descriptions.

Mostly D’s: Harpoon Gun

You’ve had it in for that whale ever since he took your ship, leg, and 5 best crewman. Get yourself a modern harpoon gun and you’ll be laughing all the way to the tryworks. Also effective against giant marine cephalopods.

Mostly E’s: Dueling Pistol

The true nobleman’s weapon, perfect for redressing a perceived insult to your honor. You know that any matter that can’t be resolved with a single shot flintlock pistol is not a gentleman’s matter at all. There is simply no dignity to be found in repeating or rifled weapons. Remember that offenses perpetrated by a person of lower class are best addressed with a cane, riding crop, or whip.

Mostly F’s: Tesla Dynamics XR53 NeuroAct LaserArm

Reserved for only the most elite 24^th century CyberGen HyperSoldiers, the XR53 is effective against even the most diabolical of time-traveling robotic menaces. It’s easily integrated into your pre-existing arm bionics and neural combat computer matrix. Remember: to save our future, you must rescue our past.

Proposition 1: High Speed Rail Bonds

Summary: Build a high-speed rail to link northern and southern California.

Assessment: Trains = yes. But don’t take my word for it. The esteemed (read solid gold mustache’d) economist Sir Hiram Prestingworth earned a Nobel Prize for the proof:

Necessity of owning rabbit-skin top hats, monocles, and gilded canes ∝ Income relative to national average

While I frequently rely on this for guidance, the corollary to this proof, expressed as:

Quality of life ∝ Trains

is marginally more relevant to this proposition.

Initially, I found the most convincing argument against this proposition to be that it represents out-of-state special interests. Upon finding the list of these interests I came to see this argument as somewhat of a cheap shot. Why? Included on the list are New York City and France. Lacking any legitimate case, the opponents of this proposition opted for the perpetual American contingency plan of associating something with France in order to ensure its downfall. I would agree with their logic, though, that many voters are likely to oppose any benefits to the French and their train-taking, Marxist New Yorkers comrades.

Verdict: Proof can’t be argued with. Especially when it’s coming from such an accomplished polo player. Should have voted yes.

Proposition 2: Standards for Confining Farm Animals

Summary: Requires that certain farm animals be allowed, for the majority of every day, to fully extend their limbs or wings, lie down, stand up and turn around.

Assessment: Initially I was opposed to farm animals doing anything besides getting served with a rich sauce and a lightly peppered seasonal vegetable medley. Upon conducting extensive research involving expert witness testimonies, pie-chart interpretation, animal interviews, and subsequent confirmational tasting of interviewed animals, results necessitated a re-evaluation of my position. I can now confidently assert that movement, exposure to light, or compassion will not necessarily render meat unfit for consumption. Additionally, animals that rated themselves as “happy” or higher were shown to have greater overall scores on the comprehensive deliciousness assessment.

Verdict: It benefits both the eaters and the eaten. Should have voted yes.

Proposition 4: Waiting Period and Parental Notification Before Termination of a Minor’s Pregnancy

Summary: Title says all.

Assessment: This proposition may seem at first to appeal to family values-type sensibilities, but in reality it’s nothing more than self-serving legislation for hawkish minors seeking trendy abortions, as it guarantees them the parental discontent and social status that makes abortions so desirable.

Verdict: Everyone knows that the best way to deal with teenagers is to give them exactly the opposite of what they want. Should have voted no.

Proposition 5: Nonviolent Drug Offenses: Sentencing, Parole, and Rehabilitation

Summary: Reduced parole for nonviolent drug offenses; increased parole for serious and violent felonies; expansion of rehabilitation programs; decriminalization of possession of less than 28.5 grams of marijuana.

Assessment: An increased focus on rehabilitation softens prisoners will have a significantly deleterious effect on Fox’s “Maximum Prison Violence Friday” lineup. This proposition would also make possession of marijuana under 28.5 grams (that’s over 16 drams for the avoirdupois reliant) of equivalent status to a traffic ticket, an overt invitation for everyone to be stoned all the time. This is the first blind step down a slippery slope. Today, it’s marijuana, tomorrow, implanted tracing chips, and then one day, we’ll find ourselves doused in Cruelty-Free Incapacitation Spray for our refusal to comply with government-mandated vegetarianism and universal health care.

Verdict: A yes vote means you’re too afraid to lock up the stoned and no longer desire entertaining television. Should have voted no.

Proposition 8: Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry

Summary: Title is self-explanatory.

Assessment: In the event that this proposition fails and Prop 5 passes, it is guaranteed that rabidly stoned gays will be sodomizing in public on the government’s dime.

Verdict: Keep our tax dollars out the pockets of the profiteering gay-industrial complex. Should have voted yes.

~ Mat Leavitt