1. Lontra Canadensis aka Northern River Otter: Others are basically beavers but without the ego and without an eponymous fried pastry. The only people selling Otter tails are generally unemployable and chemically addicted to gasoline. They are essentially the light beer version of Beavers and would appeal to the “I’m old but I still drink beer” crowd, or the New Democratic Party of Canada. Downside? The otter is constantly under multiple secret probations, resulting from Delta House’s zany pranks on Dean Wormer.
2. Gordon Shumway aka Alf: Alf is always a hit at parties, entertaining crowds with his hilarious puns and appetite for household pets. Downside?  He has a mole and his taste for Tabby cats may generate harsh criticism from the majority of Canada’s single female population.
3. Homo sapiens aka Hayden Simpson (me): A man of many talents, Hayden is the obvious choice. Incredibly attractive, and in peak physical condition, he almost never wears sandals. Downside? Evident prejudices and absolutely zero tolerance towards whey protein.
4. Castor Canadensis: Beaver: The Beaver is popular, so we could keep it as our national animal but give it a jazzy haircut. Who doesn’t love a shaved beaver?   Undoubtedly, they will be less productive dam builders but will be well received by Canadian dykes. Downside? Everyone at the nude beach would think Canada was a big slut.

I would say all four are very good substitutes, and would lead Canada in a new direction. Notice that none of these suggestions are students at McGill University, with the exception of me, Hayden Simpson. I will leave the decision is up to you. Please email your choice or any complaints to no.love.for.the.beaver@gmail.com . I will be waiting!

~ Hayden Simpson