In an astonishing conclusion to the epic debt crisis in the United States, Ebeneezer Moneygrubber, Chairman of Walmart and world-renowned fat cat, approached President Obama last week with a proposal to buy America for 15 trillion dollars. This hefty price tag (although nowhere near as hefty as the average American) is also conveniently the same bloated amount as American national debt.
Over the last decade Walmart’s annual profits have exceeded the combined GDPs of a dozen small countries. However, 15 trillion seemed too large- even for the world’s largest corporation.
“The Chinese government has earned a ton of money using slave labor in state-owned factories to make cheap plastic crap to sell to Americans and were happy to lend me what I needed to buy America,” Moneygrubber explained in his official statement. “I don’t necessarily see a problem with mortgaging the entire country to foreigners for my personal benefit.”
Shocking much of Walmerica, Obama is rumored to have accepted Moneygrubber’s offer on the spot. More shocking still, Congress was able to pass the bill after a mere 67 hours of debating and hunger strikes.
“It’s unreal,” Republican senator Billy Elephant mused. “I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with a Democrat before.”
The implications of this literal buyout compare in size only to the average Walmerican’s waistband. Many analysts express concern over the future of Social Security, pointing to Walmart employees’ lack of health or pension benefits. A spokesperson for Walmart refused to confirm or deny rumors that the retirement age will soon be raised to 95.
The public is currently watching and waiting (and eating cheese doodles) with bated breath for more twitter posts and updates concerning the current deconstruction of the entire United States government.
“Don’t worry, I’ll leave the constitution and important stuff in place,” Moneygrubber tweeted on Monday, “but it’s time for some REAL change around here.”
In a recent poll of ambiguous origin conducted with dubious reliability, a flabbergasting 73% of Walmericans “are eager for Moneygrubber’s ‘REAL change’” while 15% “are skeptical of change ever actually occurring” and 12% “want to move to Canada”.
Everyone, the world over, is wondering whether Moneygrubber will make good on an overused and frequently empty promise for change.
On Wednesday Moneygrubber made his first official post on the President of The United States of America’s Facebook© page. It contained a smiling picture of him and the new United States Board of Trustees, 100 well-suited men and women carefully selected by the completely unbiased, fair method of net worth. There are a few familiar names on the roster including Donald Trump, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates, Oprah, and Brad Pitt. Along with the picture came a concisely-worded PDF document listing their long term goals and values, as well as a few other updates:
- The name of the White House is officially changed to The Wal-House
- Wall Street is now Wal Street
- Indigent patients will be required to sell their organs in order to reimburse Medicare for the cost of medical procedures
- The U.S. Department of Defense will be available to fight wars on behalf of the highest bidder
Furthermore, in a press release from the Wal-House, a bill has already passed providing exemption from deportation for illegal aliens under the condition that they work in Walmart stores for 5 years. Fruit growers and maid services everywhere have been emptying out, and a shortage of bananas have hit supermarkets around the country.
Brad Pitt posted on his twitter earlier this afternoon, “Going bananas over no bananas! Don’t worry Walmerica, we’re taking care of it!”
Corporate-style government might be exactly what Walmerica needs right now. Outlining specific issues and creating a balanced budget so that Walmerica can finally ‘get back in the green’ is one of the most important issues in society today.
In a reassuring tweet from Donald Trump, he announced, “My accountant is now the head of the Federal Reserve. He turns $ into more $, Walmerica is antonymous with the d-word.”
To end on an interesting note, a bill was also quietly passed legalizing cocaine allowing many high-powered professionals, public figures, and even some members of the board of trustees to come out into the open about their medicinal habits. Marijuana supporters everywhere have sparked joints in frustration.
