Seattle, Washington
“Frankly, I’ve been waiting for years for dem to let me dig ‘is body up.” master grave-robber Bones Tennessee told us on Saturday.
He’s referring to Seattle city council’s decision to allow the “Hard Rock Cafe” to exhume the body of deceased grunge legend Kurt Cobain. Mr. Tennessee, best known for his bad breath and untreated Syphilis, is expected to dig up the remains late Wednesday night under the cover of darkness.
“They says they can get me all the tools I need. I tells ‘em I don’t need any tools. I got two hands, don’t I? Then I told ‘em I’m going to need a couple of fourteen year old prostitutes and a fifth of vodka. When they said no, I said they could pay me in teeth.” Tennessee told us. “They’re paying me in teeth!”
The popular chain of themed restaurants purchased the rights to Cobain’s corpse from his widow, Courtney Love. Love agreed to transfer the skeletal remains to CEOs Terrence Holden and Mort Harrison, in exchange for one of Hard Rock Cafe’s famous bacon cheeseburgers.
“Sure, the cost of one of those cheeseburgers is nothing to us,” Holden told us, “but having Courtney Love eat in one of our restaurants could really ruin the Hard Rock Cafe’s classy atmosphere. Long story short, Courtney’s going to eat the cheeseburger in an alleyway.”
According to press release published on Friday, the skeleton will be placed atop a fake, full sized bucking bronco. The skeleton will be wearing an American flag cowboy hat and, of course, Cobain’s trademark plaid jacket. The backdrop to the display will be a mock moonscape. To top it off there will be an all-too-clever homage to Seattle: it will appear to be raining. However, it will be raining dollar bills.
The display will form part of a series of the restaurant’s tributes to the world’s greatest grunge legends, none of who are well known enough to be mentioned in this article.
To ramp up interest in the stunt, Holden and Harrison are going to be introducing a new burger to their menu in honour of Cobain.
“We thought no tribute to Kurt Cobain would be complete without a reference to drug abuse, so we invented the Grunge Burger. It’s a decadent 8 oz patty topped with caramelized onions, a slice of brie, fresh fig and a balsamic vinaigrette sauce. But here’s what makes it the Grunge Burger: the waiter comes to your table with a spoon of the vinaigrette and heats it in front of you with a lighter before injecting it into the burger with a syringe. Bones gave us the idea. That man has track marks on his eye lids.” Holden told us.
When we asked former band mate and Foo Fighters frontman, David Grohl, where Cobain could be reached for comment, Grohl told us to “hop in [our] Delorian, drive back in time and go fuck [ourselves].”
