1. Calling him about the text you sent him, in regards to the email about the facebook message you sent him, asking “what up?”
2. Checking your phone at 10 minute intervals all day on the off chance he has called or texted you.
You: Sorry, I need to step outside of the shiva for a second; I’m waiting on a very important call.
3. Loitering in his neighborhood: Ex. Going for coffee in his neighborhood, going grocery shopping in his neighborhood, petting dogs in his neighborhood, examining bits of discarded cigarette packs in his neighborhood, inspecting sidewalks for cracks in his neighborhood…
4. Knowing all his friends’ names purely through facebook stalking and accidentally mentioning them in conversation with him.
Him: I didn’t know you knew Ricky.
You: Oh yeh, my dog went to high school with him….sister….my sister went to high school with him.
5. Attending events for groups you have barely even heard of in the hope of running into him.
Friend: Why the fuck are you going to the Norwegian ski team’s meet and greet of Ulrich von Fleibermeiber?
You: I’m big into Fleibermeiber these days.
6. Disregarding the fact that he told you he’s going through his Bukowski phase…proceeding to pick out China patterns for the wedding.
7. Texting him to casually let him know that you maybe saw him walking down the street.
“I saw a navy blue blur on University and Milton. Lol. Was that u? ;p”
8. Getting dressed up and made up in case he calls. Falling asleep eating peanut butter off a spoon.
9. Google searching him, finding a youtube video of him singing Greenday at a high school assembly, watching on repeat, full screen…on a Friday night.
10. Stalking him via facebook and clicking on every girl he friends or who has posted on his wall to see if she:
a) Is prettier than you
b) Lives in the same city
c) Is single
d) Is prettier than you
11. Quoting things said during sex and recontextualising them to sound like loving compliments and promises of a future together.
What you hear: You are awesome.
What he said: Your [tits] are awesome.
What you hear: I love you.
What he said: I love fucking, you!
12. Masturbating. Giving Up. Crying. Repeating.
13. Writing an article about your pathetic exploits in an attempt to boost your ego and convince yourself you are a cool, funny girl. Realizing no one wants to put their dick in funny.
