Established in 1936, the McLennan Library had only one washroom: it had but a sole well at its center which doubled as a urinal, sink, and watering hole for roaming donkeys. Today at least one washroom for either sex can be found on each floor of the McLennan library; replete with electric lighting, indoor plumbing, and four solid walls to ensure privacy. Unfortunately, this privacy comes with a price. One student has taken up a new form of recreation in the washroom stalls. We’ll just say that he has no problem finding relief from his studies, if you know what I mean. If you don’t, I mean that he rubs one out in the stalls. What follows are said student’s life philosophies, take on McGill’s single ply policy, and concept of what leads a depraved pervert such as himself to masturbate in a busy library.
(Editor’s Note: This is a real interview with a real masturbator)
DK: Welcome, [Mr. Bates]. I’m glad you could be here with me today.
Bates: It’s my pleasure, really. Just so we’re clear, though, you’re going to use a pseudonym or something for me, right? Something classy?
DK: Of course I will; I am a professional. I know what sort of white spot this could leave on your permanent record. I’d like to begin our interview by asking a journalistic question in the vein of Mike Wallace and Walter
Cronkite: How do you sleep at night, freak! You make sick! FREAAAAK!
Bates: I guess I had that coming.
DK: Tsk. ‘Cumming’? We have no time for filthy puns. Another question: Can I ask you what puts you in the mood while reading ancient texts? Can you dim those fluorescent bathroom lights?
Bates: I guess more than anything it’s the boredom from studying all day. It really helps my productivity to bust a nut or two on the face of Confucius.
DK: I bet that’s the most common phrase in the English language. How do you respond to critics who say that public masturbation is the number one warning trait of a developing psychopath?
Bates: I have critics? Also, I thought the main indication of a future psychopath was torturing animals as a child.
DK: No, you’re wrong. Do you think there are others like you out there; other confused, lonely souls touching themselves to the hushed murmurs of academia? Serial killers often belong to a kind of brotherhood of copycat killers. Can we see this type of camaraderie in your field?
Bates: Are you trying to set me up as a sociopath? That’s not cool. As to your question, I’ve definitely noticed other people standing in the stalls for extended periods of time, although I wouldn’t exactly say we meet up on weekends.
DK: I suppose you must spend too much time in the woods at night to make many friends. Are you afraid of getting caught or is that part of the thrill? What would happen if you got caught?
Bates: A slap on one of my unusually strong wrists? Listen, at least what I do isn’t out in the open, like all those videos of college couples hooking up in secluded spots on campus.
DK: That’s different; it’s respectable when you’re drunk. Next question: being a monster, yourself, what’s the strangest thing you’ve come across in the washroom?
Bates: I saw a guy washing his socks once in the sinks. I have never been so enraged. The lack of common decency it society really gets to me. I had a right mind to finish up and let him have it.
DK: In conclusion, the term ‘hero’ gets thrown around a lot these days. What do you have to say to those who claim you’ve changed their lives so that they, too, can come out of the stall?
Bates: Well, hero is a strong word. I do look up to someone like Rosa Parks though, who has the courage to stand up for herself by sitting down. I hope my courage gives Johnny Everyday the courage to sit on his own porcelain thrown in order to stand up for what he believes in.
DK: Some might say you’re changing the world one Kleenex box and first edition novel at a time.
Bates: Thank you.
DK: No, Mr. Bates, thank you.
