McGill Landmarks

1. The “Woman With Narwhal Horn” Statue in Redpath: Seriously, the first few times I saw it, I unquestioningly assumed that it was one of the seven dwarves sucking a unicorn horn. Not even a second glance. That’s just what it was to me. About a month later, I was smoking a great deal less crack, and it finally occurred to me that McGill probably didn’t buy statues of such a retarded nature. Although if I had a university, it would be full of hilarious statues…like a group of really ghetto chicks celebrating a birthday at Glaze Craze cast in bronze.
2. Electronically Movable Shelves in Mclennzies (yes we’re on a nickname basis): Um, WHAT!? I knew this school had money, but damn girl, you didn’t have to break the bank on them new-fangled motorized shelving units! But they put the ill in “McGill” for real. After seeing them for the first time, I had trouble sleeping for a while because I was worried about people getting crushed in there. I had these images of some innocent U0 venturing into the aisle for a copy of Same-Sex Love in the Renaissance, and suddenly, the walls start closing in on either side. It’s Indiana Jones bitch! (I don’t know why I called her a bitch, I’m so worried for her). She runs toward the opening, but it’s too late. She’s froshie jelly. Or just slightly uncomfortable in the small breadth of space between the two shelves… Either way, complete. Nightmare. I found out that the Mclenz tech wonks thought all this through and there’s some system that keeps that from ever happening. Pleasant surprise.
3. The Ledge Above Lower Field in front of Redpath and Mclennan: I can’t remember who told me this, and I vaguely remember that when they told me they were like, “Don’t tell anyone, it’s a secret, I won’t be your friend if you do,” but it’s the Herring, so let’s be honest, no one’s going to read it anyway (JUST KIDDING!). Anyways, mystery person told me that several people have fallen off it, and gotten brain damage/severe injuries. There’s nothing funny about that. McGillians, be more careful. Look after your kinda stupid friends who don’t know how to sit on a ledge. I say McGill creates a “Ledge Safety” mascot who patrols the area. For the sake of relevancy, I propose a nine-foot tall zebra with Troll doll hair, riding a hover craft. (A real zebra, and I will pay for his hover craft driving lessons.) The logic goes that fear of the cyberzebra will have students being increasingly cautious around the ledge.
4. The Seats Around the Corner from Subway that Face the Wall Across from the Bathroom in the Arts Building Basement: To explain why these are so cool, I first have to explain an idea I take very seriously: eating in isolation. Eating is a sensuous, self-satisfying act. And, much like masturbation, you should be able to enjoy it completely uninhibited. (Sorry for the juxtaposition of eating foot longs and masturbation. Or, for some of you, you’re welcome). When I get a Subway sandwich and sit it in one of those seats, it’s just me and my sandwich. Eating and getting eaten respectively. No unsightly people to put me off me food, no inane conversations to distract me. Just. Sandwich. 5. Heart-Shaped Stop Light at Milton and University: I love this so much. I might have my wedding under it. Especially if I marry a Montreal hobo, but we’ll see what’s in the cards. P.S.: I apologize that most of these things are on the Arts part of campus. But with all due respect, everyone knows that the rest of the campus is super lame.
~Emma Overton