It’s hard to get through February 14th alone, not only because its St. Valentines Day, but also because everyone’s gearing up to be in a festive mood for the big Canadian Flag Day which follows on February 15th. Maybe some people just aren’t designed for relationships. This one time I had sex. No, there’s no follow up to that, I just wanted to let you know. The girl was really pretty though, like way too pretty for me, but the relationship was hard for me too! I think it must always be hard being the smarter one in the relationship, this girlfriend of mine once told me, “You’re going to do phenomenal things in life. I replied, “Wow, that was a really big adjective you used.” She got mad, but I couldn’t help it, I was just so proud of her.
I’m not usually one to let the season get to me, unless its spicy oriental seasoning, but this Valentine’s Day, I think it’s time I curl up with a nice glass of red, a book, and an external hard-drive filled with grade B, amateur pornography. I’m not usually the trashy romance novel type, but I’ve been reading something admittedly dirty by a writer named Sophocles, he must be Greek or something, I know, so rando. His story has me becoming a bit of an author myself. Here are some romantic things I’m dreaming up that you can do or that, someone special can do for me!
1. Take your special someone out for a dinner to a beautiful French restaurant. It’s important to ensure that it’s French and not French-Canadian. Nothing says, “choose someone else” like gravy stains on your older brothers slacks, and an appearance by the infamous “cheese-curd breath” monster.
2. When selecting what to order keep in mind that when your date asks you if you’d like to have children, in 9 out of 10 cases she is discussing an arena beyond the meal and you should not respond that you’re a vegetarian.
3. If you’re new to dirty talk in the bedroom, stick to responding to whatever ejaculations (hawhaw) your partner makes with a casual moan, followed by “Me too!” As this Red Herring writer found out, it is very important not to panic, and to respond in this fashion blindly. When your partner proclaims to you, mid-cunnilinigus, that she is “tired and needs to be up for class”, using this response will side-step the awkwardness and leave you with, a good night’s rest and at worst, a pair of painfully blue testes in the morning.
Other statements on which to tread carefully when intending to use the fail proof James Beveridge Bedroom Response includes: “I have a headache.” In this instance the JBB Response will not have you and your partner sharing bodily fluids. In fact, best case scenario you’ll both be sucking on one of her expired children’s Tylenol pills that her mom sent her off with before starting the big first year of university. True story.
4. Don’t worry if your body has some flaws. Just show some confidence and don’t overcompensate. The last thing your partner wants to hear is “when God was handing out bodies he left out a couple inches on mine… But he made up for it with diabetes!”
5. As inspired by my recent trashy novel reading: when writing love poetry keep in mind who your audience is exactly.
“Alas you are married, to him that I despise,
Methinks that I shall be the source of his demise
So many nights every inch of me inside you
If ever someone knew, I’d rip out my eyes too
To think that I was fortunate to taste upon thy nipples
In this familial, nay political storm, we’re a sea of two ripples
By genetics we share incredibly long necks
Sorry about the Oedipus complex.”
I love you Mom…. Oh, right, and sorry Dad.
-James Beveridge
I hate you fuckers