How to be a Resume Hero

If you’re anything like me, you’re at the point in your life where you have to start seriously thinking about getting a job. And, if you’re anything like me, serious thinking is not one of your major skill-sets. But have no fear. With these handy tips, you can make the transition from jobless zero in to Resume Hero in just a few easy keystrokes.
Do you know how to make a working bong out of the majority of foods in your local produce aisle? Are you able to miraculously survive weeks on end without 3/5 of the major food-groups, your body sustaining itself with only reheated 2$ chow-mein and room-temperature Pabst Blue Ribbon? You and I know that all these kinds of skills are invaluable and will certainly take you far in your university career (and perhaps even lead you to victory in the debauched, satanic, semen-filled, beer-orgie that is Management Carnival). Now all you need to do is convert this skill-set to make it more applicable for the real world.
You need to make a resume, and just like when your roommate found that used condom in the heel of her new Uggs, honesty might not be the best policy. In fact, an honest account of your life experiences probably reads like a sign-language performance of “Waiting for Godot” compared to basically anyone you could meet at Belle Province on your average Wednesday afternoon. But it doesn’t have to appear that way on your resume.
The process is simple. First, think of anything you’ve ever done. For example: “Yesterday, I talked to my friend Pablo on Facebook.” This simple activity is as full of resume-potential as the White Party is with scantily clad first-years and cocaine. Talking? Pablo? Facebook? If that doesn’t say skilled orator and tech savvy, computer literate, multi-cultural citizen of the world, then I’m not a world-champion matador with perfect pitch. See, by merely taking the components of your meaningless, inconsequential life and stretching them out like Heidi Montag’s forehead, you too can gain your very own set of unique abilities and talents.
Let’s take another example: Have you ever seen a Penelope Cruz movie? No? How about a Martin Sheen movie (or any of the more-badass, less-assimilated members of the Estevez clan)? No? Have you ever ordered at taco bell? Okay, great, there you go, conversational Spanish!
Have you ever thrown pre-drink at your apartment? Yes? And when that shit-canned rez chick passed out in the corner with her skirt riding halfway in to her ass-crack before 11pm, did you go over and bring her a glass of water? You DID? Well there you have it, you’ve got hosting and serving experience.
Oh, and you know that mandatory community service at that food-bank you had to do to graduate? If that doesn’t say “human rights advocate,” I don’t know what does. You’re practically a UN ambassador. Hell, you’re Mahatma fucking Ghandi. Who wouldn’t want to hire you?
What about that time you tried selling weed, before you realized that there was next to no profit margin and decided to just grow your own? That’s sales, retail, and urban horticulture, right there. Resume-wise, they should call you Pelé, because that’s the fucking hat-trick. You’ve had more job experience than Barbie.
Thanks to my tricks, even the most chronically useless undergraduates (I’m talking to you, 4th years who still go to A-side) can find themselves with a whole host of career-worthy credentials. So go ahead be a hero. “Fluff” up those resumes. Just think – all those times your parents said you were wasting your life away, you were actually gaining valuable experiences to put you on the fast track to job success. And if you feel guilty about stretching the truth, don’t worry. As a wise man once said to me in the alleyway next to Bifteck at 4am: the truth is like a vagina. It’s meant to be stretched.
~Anna Silman

Anna Silman is a joint professor of Women’s Studies and Molecular Physics at the University of Toronto and two-time Canadian National ping-pong champion.