Michael Jackson is dead. We’ve all seen the specials, the tributes, the unnecessary speculation and inane jibber-jabber from the big wigs at E!. We curse you for it E!; does your target audience have trouble reading multi-letter words spelt at a normal volume?
Well, I want to have a say in this. Call it selling out if you’d like, but I want the final tribute. So, grab some heavy duty bejeweled gloves (you’ll need two for this), a shovel, and your best grave robbing outfit and get ready to say goodbye.
1. Make all the entertainment reporters who covered his death eat bits of his corpse.
Jackson tried his own “Feed the World” back with USA for Africa. Now he can really put his money where his mouth is, or rather, where other people’s mouths are. I know people can be a little apprehensive about cannibalism. They say, “If you eat your prom date, you’re going stag.” Not to worry. Michael Jackson was hardly human to begin with; he was most likely a distant relative to Lord Voldemort or a piece of plastic.
2. Fill him with candy, hang him from a string and have the blindfolded youth of the world burst him open with a baseball bat.
I don’t want to make any allegations I can’t backup. However, just because there wasn’t anything proven in court, doesn’t mean people are going to start trusting a man who built his own ‘Neverland’. It’s just a bigger handful of candy in a bigger unmarked van. Naturally, the only way to cure this lingering animosity is to turn Jackson into a big ol’ pinata. Kids will love it. For them, candy and grotesque violence go together like peas and carrots. Just to be safe though, we should probably only use wrapped candy. Kettle corn and candy apples tend to make parents uncomfortable, especially when they’re doled out by a heavily made up man-child.
3. Convince [celebrity female of the moment] to start dating him.
I don’t really follow that Hollywood gossip garbage, but [celebrity female of the moment] hasn’t been in the news for a while, right? We can fix that. Convince her to date his corpse and sell the story to tabloid magazines. [Celebrity female] in a relationship with an older man, you say? A deceased older man? All the better. The tabloids will eat it up. Nec-Romantic.
4. Have him resurrected to re-enact the Thriller music video.
Call it method acting. Brando did it, so did De Niro; now it’s Jackson’s chance. Nothing helps an actor get into the mindset of a zombie like a couple months in the grave. I won’t say much about this one. The thought of it alone gets me all hot and bothered.
5. Bury his body, forget all allegations, play Thriller at moderate intervals in clubs on Halloween, go about our business and never again do the moonwalk, even if you’re good at it.
This one might be a bit difficult but a good journalist considers all options.
~David Kuyek
U r the biggest ignorant person I’ve met.
People like u ruin this world, if u don’t have nothin nice to say…please for the good of all people, SHUT THE HELL UP!!
Us fans are harassed abou liking mj enough, we don’t need to see shit like this. Honestly we learned respect in grade 1
GROW UP…!!!!!
While you make a lot of good points, I don’t think any of these options are plausible. Especially the last one, how dare you suggest abolishing the moonwalk. I agree with Tori, you are probably the biggest (most) ignorant person I’ve met, assuming reading an article by you means we’ve been acquainted.