Doctors have recently reported that contrary to popular belief, irony is in fact not a beneficial addition to any lifestyle and can actually be a warning sign of terminal douchiness. Douchiness is characterized either by a tendency to constantly take oneself too seriously or by an inability to take anything seriously at all. Much like leprosy, it leads to the development of a repulsive aura, turning the sufferer into a veritable social pariah. “But wait!” you say, “I thought irony was hip and hilarious!” Well, yes and no. Let’s make the distinctions.
Ironic humour when in the form of a joke can be a wonderful thing. However, once that joke manifests itself on to your head, torso, upper lip, or pelvis, one has to question whether one is still the creator of said ironic joke or whether one has in fact become the joke itself. For example, an unfortunate and awkward epidemic affecting a portion of today’s youth is the dreaded Pubonic Plague. This outbreak is self-inflicted, and results in outbursts of poorly-planned, poorly-executed styles of pubic hair, medically referred to as pubestyles. Sure, one is perhaps liable to have a good time, sitting around on one’s “retro” pistachio-green, Urban Outfitters sofa (good thing you snatched it up too before they sold the last identical three hundred of them they had in stock), maybe ironically enjoying a warm Pabst, adjusting one’s Elvis Costello-inspired glasses, and proposing comical, potential pubestyles to one’s like-minded, androgynously-dressed chums. The keyword here is proposing, because that is as far as one should go.
Still unclear? Let’s take another example of observable ironic humour in the manifestation of an old favourite, the mullet. Beloved in the eighties, it was commonly referred to as, “business in the front, party in the back.” The mullet was the hairstyle that could finally express the complex duality between work and play (a relationship McGill students are well-acquainted with). It has been revived as of late as a popular hipster coiffure. However, four out of five physicians agree: If you have an ironic mullet, it doesn’t really matter how much you meant for it to be a joke, YOU.STILL.ACTUALLY.HAVE.A.MULLET. These things may seem funny now but a few years down the line when you encounter the American Apparel ad-esque Polaroids you took of yourself, lodged between the ash-covered pages of a stack of Vice magazines, you will be faced with the shame and regret of how many years you wasted, and how many potential sexual partners you deterred with your dirty, spindly, handlebar moustache and sea foam coloured tighty whities.
The same “You Still Actually Have A Mullet” model can be applied to almost any situation in which one is unsure whether or not one is being ironically hilarious, or just a douche.
Examples include:
- You’re Still Actually Drinking A Shitty Beer
- You’re Still Actually Wearing That
- You Still Actually Hipstered-Out Your Bike to the Point of Non-Rideability, Why Would You Do That? I Can’t Afford a Bike. You Could Have Given It To Me If All You Planned On Doing Was Ruining It With Your Douchiness, You Douche.
And so on…
So let’s all lend each other a hand in pulling our generation out of this unfortunate epidemic. Do not let irony seep its slimy way into your reality or the reality of a loved one. The next time you run into a situation of ironic douchiness, do the right thing and remind the committer of the infraction because, although they might be attempting to make you feel like “you just don’t get it,” it is your duty to remind them of one small detail:
“Yeah, but you’re still actually a hipster douche.”
~Emma Overton
luuuuuul, Thank you Emma for this insightful piece.
You, Emma Overton, are wonderful.
emma this is awsome! keep it up and lemme know when u write some more stuff