The Beginning – God
God made existence cool, a trend that has stayed popular to present day, save for a brief period in 2001 with the formation of My Chemical Romance. Today the only bastion of resistance can be found in certain parts of the southern United States, where they are waiting for him to take it all back any day now.
9503 BC – Og
During the Neolithic, Og’s invention of sarcasm in spoken language catapulted him into the upper echelons of high society. Not meaning what you said took off, quickly supplanting actually saying what you mean. Society began to fall into ruin as trade relations broke down across the Levant. Meanwhile, Og began a series of high-profile relationships with several prominent shiny rock models. The fame gone to his head, Og was eventually trampled to death by a herd of buffalo after he responded to their warning grunts with what is roughly translated as “Yeah, right.” At his funeral cairn, the crowd claimed to be very sad, but didn’t sound convincing.
3 AD – Abaddon Butabi
The palsy that left an up-and-coming Greek harp player with only spastic control of his limbs would eventually be the impetus to his great fame. Butabi’s determination, jerky plucking, and the harsh, piercing cries that spewed from his drooping face as he sat locked in his grandfather’s basement condemned as a monster would give birth to techno music. His fame was posthumous, however, as techno was never fully appreciated until 1528, with the invention of ecstasy.
1876 AD – Alexander Graham Bell
Alexander Graham Bell, (or, A.G. Baby as his friends were wont to call him) was a notorious socialite from the age of fifteen, the year he invented cocaine. The life of every party, A.G. Baby only invented the telephone so he wouldn’t miss out on parties two towns over and so he could peddle his cocaine on a national scale (or, as he called it, “whistling dixie”). His untimely and mysterious death in the sewers of Brooklyn from a prolific nosebleed spawned the popular term rusty pipe.
1994 AD – Tupac Amaru Shakur
Tupac (also 2Pac) invented the thug life, as well as getting tattoos on one’s stomach. And although many incorrectly would give the mantle to John Fitzgerald Kennedy, it was in fact Tupac who invented getting shot.
~ Kyle Stevenson
