Editor’s Note: The editors of The Red Herring would like to apologize beforehand for this article due to its offensive and homophobic content. Those responsible for it have been fired. We, here at The Red Herring, in no way condone this article or discrimination against homosexuals (not that’s there’s anything wrong with that). Shit! That wasn’t worded well. What we meant to imply was that there was nothing wrong with being homosexual, not that there was nothing wrong with discriminating against them.
Heather Munroe-Blum’s Note: McGill University would like to apologize for the offensiveness of the above editor’s note. Those responsible for it have been fired. We would like to take this opportunity to apologize again to the LGBT community and anyone who may have been offended. The owners of The Red Herring fully support gay rights and have nothing against homosexuals. Except maybe Andy Dick—that guy’s a real fucking asshole, which is ironic because he loves fucking assholes.
Lately I’ve been thinking a lot about gay zombies. If a male zombie bites Clay Aiken, is said zombie gay? If a gay zombie bites a gay person, does that person become some sort of super-gay zombie, or do they become a normal zombie—like how two negatives make a positive? Not to say that being a gay zombie is a “negative” thing. Shit, sorry if I offended anyone, but this is the best way I could think of to put it. Speaking of ‘best ways to put it’…never mind.
Let’s just accept the premise that there are indeed gay zombies and that the ratio of gay zombies to straight zombies is assumedly equal to the ratio of gay humans to straight humans. Once we accept this we can move on to more pressing concerns: preparing for the four gay-zombie horsemen of the gay-zombie apocalypse.
God’s Note:I, God, would like to apologize for the offensiveness of this article. I evidently did something wrong when creating the guy who wrote this piece because he is exceptionally fucked in the head. Don’t worry, the author will be going straight to hell, where he’ll enjoy the company of that Andy Dick guy who’s also pretty fucked-up. Man, it’s times like these when I question my own awesomeness…nah, who am I kidding, I’m still pretty fucking awesome.
Andy Dick’s Note: I’m not gay. I only dick slapped that reporter because he wouldn’t let me tea-bag him.
~ Steve Beirness
