There is a rampant issue among today’s youth—they’re lazy. Well, not so much the sweatshop workers, or the sex-traffickers, or the Jonas Brothers, but at least in first world countries, it seems most kids need to get a grip on reality. Society’s fascination with the Internet has robbed millions of people of valuable life lessons about social skills and work ethic. Simply put, playing Tetris for 42 hours straight won’t get you laid (hard as I may try), and reading Perez Hilton won’t earn you any IQ points (or street cred).
My life goal: to inform and inspire. So here is a list of things you can’t learn online that you should know how to do, no matter how old or privileged you might be. Take a tip, Lohan.
1. How to ride a bike: Roll your two-wheeler to the top of a hill. Find a fat friend to ride shotgun.
2. How to take care of a pet: Buy yourself a goldfish – Pepperidge Farm style. It’s the snack that smiles back, baby.
3. How to knit a sweater: Fly a child in from Thailand, purchase some yarn.
4. How to look like a highlighter: Dress like a hipster.
5. How to successfully lose weight: Hook up with someone who has mono – you’ll be bed ridden and hungry for weeks [ed. see James Beveridge’s article; he can hook you up]. Alternatively, look at a picture of Sarah Jessica Parker (I always lose my appetite).
6. How to get good grades: For those of you who never thought your Asian friends would come in handy, here’s their chance for redemption. Inform them that you’re willing to trade the latest print issue of Avatar in exchange for, say, an essay in defense of cultural relativism, and you’re golden.
7. How to look cool: Anywhere you go, lean against a wall. Arms crossed, one leg bent, and smoke like a fiend. I’m pretty sure that’s how Tupac made it big.
9. How to get out of an awkward conversation when you’ve run into someone you don’t know very well who, instead of ducking and pretending they don’t see you, purposefully yells your name from 100 feet away and insists on making small talk about the weather and commenting on your recent Facebook activity that happened to pop up on their mini-feed: Tell. Them. To. Fuck. Off.
10. How to make friends: Always keep lots of baked good around the house, ‘cause “Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee.” Or, just tell people you’re the guy who threw the shoe at Bush.
