Listen up kids: Professor X was going to shut up about the whole Obamessaiah thing and focus on something more crucial to the survival of the human race, like genetically engineered ebola pandemics peanut butter jars or all the mile-wide collision course asteroids they aren’t telling us about or maybe even that old stand-by, the Club of Rome’s Olde Tyme Stalinist Revival plan for reducing the world’s population to half a billion through selective starvation. But something’s come up, and I can’t let it slide: Obama has appointed Gregory Craig as his White House counsel. For you freshmen reading this, that means lawyer. And if I have to grade one more paper in which someone confuses counsel and council… but I am getting distracted again, another curse of old age.
Okay, so the appointment of some old guy you’ve never heard of to be the White House lawyer to the man you idolize doesn’t strike you as all that threatening. Well, let me tell you why it should. This is all the evidence you need that the Americans are slaves living in a country that was once a Republic, but where the ballot has long since been replaced by the bullet. And what happens in the US usually happens in Canada about six months later, so pay attention.
This is a complicated story with lots of twists and turns, and it is really hard to follow, so I am going to use a cognitive map. For you freshman reading this, that means a diagram. And for the really slow, diagrams are drawings. Ok, try to stay with me as we attempt to disentangle this literal spaghetti of twisted relationships and blind alleys down the paths of recent history.
I know this is a lot for your little untrained brains to absorb at once, but try to follow the mess of confusing arrows from President Obama to the attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan. Now, Professor X isn’t implying anything outrageous, like that Obama somehow had something to do with Reagan being shot. First of all, Obama was all of 19 when it happened. Second, Professor X is hoping his passport is still good for at least a few entry visas to the US. No, I am merely pointing out that presidential violence and presidential history have a tighter relationship than might at first glance appear. And I’ll give you three chances to guess who would have become president had Hinckley succeeded. Hint: both he and his son have been Presidents, and he’s not John Adams. Now keep thinking that Obama is the anti-Bush. I dare ya. Keep your eye on the ball, kids.
~Professor X
