My research for this in-depth investigation was intensive and required heavy amounts of time following and photographing the couple. I focused primarily on the female employee, a woman named Khadija (Ka-dee-sha). She seemed to be the one in charge, and, I must admit, her allure was magnetic. As for her associate, he proved to be less alluring and more annoying. The man was constantly attempting to get close to his co-worker and always messed up my photos with his hairy arms. After a particularly long night of picking through their garbage I retired to Gert’s for a pint of cream ale. It was only then that I was exposed to the heinous truth: these seemingly platonic employees are bound under the sacred oath of matrimony!
After a quick shower in the SSMU basement sinks and a hefty dosage of Jean Paul Gautier to my neck and groin region, I was prepared to interview the intimidating couple. Khadija, with her erect collar and form-fitting jeans, made my heart palpitate, while Matt, with his saucy fingers and stained work shirt, ignited jealousy in my soul.
For… undisclosed reasons, I decided to host the interview in disguise. I wore sunglasses and chain smoked excessively. Also, rather than The Red Herring, I told Matt and Khadija that I was from Radix, an on-campus spiritual paper.
Radix: So, let’s start with a basic question: what does the za’atar mean to you, as an entity?
Matt: You know we don’t just serve za’atars. We have pizza, we have falafel, and we have several other pitas besides that.
R: Yes, I am well aware. But I like the za’atar best, and so do most people.
Khadija: Okay… I can see where you’re coming from.
R: Thank you Khadija. Now Matt, with Khadija doing most of the work, how does that make you feel as a man?
M: I don’t quite know what you mean by this.
K: We work as a team, I do most of the preparation and oven work, and Matt does a lot of wrapping of sandwiches.
R: Matt, you seem very happy all day. How do you keep up such high spirits despite being a continual disappointment to your co-worker?
M: Well, I have several extracurricular activities that I’m a part of outside of this job – with my wife. So if things don’t go so well at work, if I have a bad day or whatever, which is what I think you’re getting at here, I guess those keep me pretty happy.
R: Oh really, and what might these be?
M: I play hockey, ball hockey.
R: Of course. It’s less challenging and requires less strength then its ice counterpart.
M: Sure. And I like to play chess.
R: Alright, let’s get back on track here. Khadija, how long did it take you to teach Matt how to roll a za’atar? I say this because I assume he’s a slow learner.
K: My uncle taught us both. In fact, I would say that Matt is even better than me. Have you ever watched him roll a za’atar? He’s extremely fast and also very careful.
M: Thanks Deeja.
R: Okay, okay, I see. Well, on an economic note, do you feel the outrageous prices of the half-cheese-half-za’atar will drop anytime soon? I mean, we are in a recession.
M: I think it will stay somewhat the same.
R: Okay, obviously a little out of your league on that question, so let’s move on. How do you guys feel about “super sandwich”?
K: I don’t really know anything about that place. The only person who talks about it is this guy who hangs around Al-Taib a lot. He always brings his own sandwiches and often asks us for a shot of free sauce – which he refers to as “a squirt.”
R: Oh, okay, yeah…
M: Is that the same kid that always stares to you? One time I think he tried to hold her hand when he paid.
K: Yes, yes it is, and the only item he ever buys is the spinach calzone.
R: Oh… yeah, I know him; he’s pretty cool actually.
~ Rupert Common
