New York, NY – In recent sporting news, New York Yankees third baseman Alex Rodriguez has started publicly smoking marijuana in order to distract the press from the current scandal around his steroid use. “People might get on me for this,” said Rodriguez, “but at least they’ll stop being a**holes about the steroid stuff.”
Rodriguez has attempted to employ a relatively straightforward and logical tactic. In a bit of a bait and switch, Rodriguez has decided to take people’s minds off the one drug that would keep him out of the Hall of Fame, and channel their judgments onto a drug that might very well land him in jail. When asked about the legal implications of his actions and what this might say to his adolescent fans, A-Rod responded, “First of all, I’m a professional athlete, we don’t get put in jail unless we commit aggravated robbery [Maurice Clarett], violate a probation [Dwight Gooden], do cocaine [Darryl Strawberry], conspire to commit murder [Mike Danton], shoot our girlfriends [Rae Carruth], set up drug deals [Jamal Lewis], smuggle cocaine [Bob Probert], evade our taxes [Pete Rose], or rape an 18-year-old beauty pageant contestant [Mike Tyson]… so thanks, but I don’t think I have to worry about anything like that.”
“As for the kids, I’m not Barney, I’m not Coldplay; I’m not there for their entertainment. I’m just like any other American going to work everyday to bring home a paycheck that lets me put food on the table. You might think $28 mill a year is a lot, but trust me, I feel just as much of a financial pinch as any other American. I’ll start worrying about the kids when they start worrying about me.”
The Yankees organization has decided to support Rodriguez in these new efforts, but has expressed worry in the change of his on-field performance. Manager Joe Girardi commented, “He’s been a bit sluggish out there. His bat speed has definitely decreased and his reaction time in the field isn’t what it used to be. Overall, he’s become a terrible player who wouldn’t make the cut on a high-school intramural team. On the plus side, he seems to be having a great time out there, really enjoying the game in every way. If he’s happy, we’re happy.”
Rodriguez, on the other hand, hasn’t noticed any difference in his play. “I think I’m playing better than ever. It’s like I’m in the Matrix and I’m seeing everything in an entirely different way than I did before. Sure, maybe I’m having a hard time hitting any pitches over 40 miles per hour, but who hasn’t had a slump at one point in their career? I think this might prove to be my best year ever.” Upon saying this, Alex bit off a piece of my tape recorder.
By disguising his cannabis use as a distraction from the steroid scandal, there will likely be more attention placed on the prolific third basemen. This will result in further scrutiny of A-Rod’s drug use. “If this doesn’t work,” concluded Rodriguez, “I’ll just have to start using harder drugs. At least I started with weed… you know, a nice inviting gateway drug.”
Although unconfirmed, other reports have claimed that the entire Boston Red Sox roster has been supporting Rodriguez in these tough times.
~ Matt Essert
thats awsome
not awsome noob