I was flipping through my iPod the other day when I wandered upon the cesspool of lyrical mishap that is the song “The Rough Riders Anthem,” a wonderful ditty of hate and pain delightfully thrown together by the gangster shit-storm and self-proclaimed musician DMX. For the benefit of those unfamiliar with his work, just imagine the sound made when two pounds of gravel are thrown into a blender with some empty beer cans and an inexplicably angry old man. Now multiply that anguish by a thousand and run headfirst into the nearest wall. Voila! You have just experienced the musical stylings of DMX. However, no song in DMX’s repertoire of pain is as intensely nauseating as “The Rough Rider’s Anthem.” For your benefit I’ve compiled a few choice lines from this particular song so that you might fully understand the absurd success of Earl “DMX” Simmons. LET’S GO:
“Stop, drop, shut ‘em down open up shop. Oh! No! That’s how Ruff Ryders roll.”
The General Message: The Rough Riders are going to go into your neighborhood and open a drug operation while yelling in an attempt to alert you that this is how they roll.
Adjective: Obnoxious.
Why it’s Garbage: For some reason DMX has decided to sample the fire safety song that was presented to my first grade class by a gigantic talking bumblebee. However, instead of rocking the standard “Stop, Drop, and Roll” sequencing that so captivated me as a youngster, DMX places “Roll” at the very end of the phrase and crams a pile of stupid shit in between. If I wanted to hear a vapid reorganization of my favorite childhood ditties I’d buy a Raffi album and periodically shout out “fuck” over the lyrics to “Banana Phone.” I must admit, however, that I’m eagerly anticipating DMX’s next two singles, “The Fire Exit is to the Left” and “Yo Yo Yo No Running Around the Pool, Ya’ll Might Slip.”
“I’ma have to show N******, how easily we blow N******. When you find out there’s some more N******, that’s runnin’ with your N******.”
The General Message: I am DMX and I really like to use the N-word.
Adjective: Unapologetically Lazy.
Why it’s Garbage: Ignoring the fact that DMX is using a horribly racist word over and over again, one cannot help but notice that he has rhymed the N-word with the N-word four fucking times. If one replaces the jarringly racist N-word with the less shocking “The Care Bears” it is easy to see the flaw in DMX’s lyrical design. Ex. “Ima have to show “The Care Bears”, how easily we blow “The Care Bears.” When you found out some more “The Care Bears” is running with your “The Care Bears.” In all honesty I actually like the “The Care Bears” version a little more. It’s got that “television show about bears that love each other” edge that really makes hip-hop work.
“Oh you think it’s funny then you don’t know me money. It’s about to get ugly, fuck it dog I’m hungry.”
The General Message: Do not laugh at me! Seriously man, I am going to fight you! I’ve decided to consume a sandwich instead!
Adjective: Confusing.
Why it’s Garbage: DMX spends the majority of this song rapping about how inconceivably tough and unapologetically violent the Rough Riders are. However, in the one instance where DMX is personally tested he totally pussies out and decides instead to eat some pasta (boiled, I’m sure, in his own tears). Furthermore, this line introduces an interesting perspective on gang violence. Is DMX indicating that only well nourished people commit violent crimes? If this is true than how come I’m not regularly being jacked and shanked by Louie Anderson, John Goodman, or zombie Orson Welles (who, as we all know, is an incredibly fat zombie)?
“I’ma pull paper, it’s all about the papers. Bitches talkin’ paper, then how they wanna rape us.”
The General Message: DMX is going to smoke some weed. DMX is totally into smoking weed. Often DMX finds that women will talk about smoking weed and then segue into discussing how violently they want to have sex with DMX.
Adjective: Stultiloquent
Why it’s garbage: Once again we find that DMX is attempting to create a rhyming pattern out of identical words. However, the thing that really bothers me about this specific lyric is that it reminds me that I have about fifty term papers due this week, yet have spent the majority of my time listening to the Rough Riders Anthem. To be honest I only used the adjective stultiloquent in a desperate attempt to reaffirm my intellect. For the record, I have no idea how the word “stultiloquent” is pronounced and am, in fact, incredibly stupid.
“Talk is cheap motherfucker!”
The General Message: It is both easy and unimpressive to constantly say things without backing them up with real action…motherfucker.
Adjective: Counterintuitive.
Why it’s garbage: DMX is a rapper. He has made a living by saying things loudly and unintelligibly into a big metal microphone. Furthermore, despite DMX’s multiple arrests for possession of marijuana and his one incredibly strange arrest, which occurred when he attempted to carjack a vehicle while claiming to be a federal agent (WTF?), he really hasn’t done that much to back the assertion that he is a stone-cold thug. In a world where taking nine bullets to the face and body is considered the litmus test of toughness, smoking weed is about as tough as owning a small chipmunk named “Rascals” that loves unconditionally.
~David MacLean
(Ed’s note: since David MacLean is a true believer in the “talk is cheap doctrine” he left the Herring office this morning to “beat the gangster piss” out of DMX. We have yet to hear back from him, he is presumed dead)
SO FUNNY, shiiettt! However, that song is my jammm.