As university students we know that citation is serious business. In fact, the second most popular Internet search among college kids is “MLA Style Citation Guide,” not far behind the perennial favorite “XXX Horny Asian Girls.” What you might not know is that witty one-liners are no exception to bibliographic standards. If ever someone around you says something amusing and vaguely sexual, it’s up to you to let him or her know that, in fact, that is what she said. This guide offers a hands-on approach to getting your mouth around a That’s What She Said joke and will ensure that you get the most bang for your humour buck. After all, it’s not the size of the joke that counts, it’s the way you use your dick—but you’re probably going to want to open with a joke.
1. Who is “she”?
More than the question you ask yourself on Sunday morning, this is a vital part of making a That’s What She Said joke. To fully understand who this mysterious ‘she’ is, the first thing you need to know is that she has a big mouth and the stuff she spits out is usually pretty nasty. She’s a bit of a slut, but totally euphemistic (good girls always are). A word of caution though, she is never, ever, Your Momma. That joke went the way of Tupac and Britney Spears’ virginity; probably died in the ‘90’s. Plus, you’ve probably spent more time in your mother’s vaginal canal than any man so you better show some respect.
2. Make it short.
Sometimes you just need to get in and out before the moment ends. For these reasons, I keep a condom on my charm bracelet and use a handy acronym, TWSS (pronounced ‘tw-iss’). This can be particularly useful for online encounters, for example if someone comments on the size of their bloody staff, but you’re too busy pillaging the next World of Warcraft quest to type the whole thing out. Don’t be a TWSS noob, know your abbreviations.
3. Too much is often enough.
Nobody likes a urinary tract infection. The average and short of it is that sometimes people get a little too excited when they first discover the fun of TWSS. It’s normal, it’s natural, and it’s not a big deal. She can’t possibly have said everything, so pace yourself and don’t go for anything too easy. That’s how things end up smelling fishy.
4. Can you do it alone?
While it’s perfectly natural to want to throw in a good TWSS after you yourself say something particularly rousing, it’s a bit like getting a manicure before you jerk off. Don’t get me wrong, it can be fun, but kind of awkward and a little vain. Verbal masturbation should always be kept to a minimum and never done in public.
Is that all there is? Well, no, but I’m going to need a nap and maybe a sandwich before I bang away at it again. Until then, keep at it and in no time you’ll be giving aural pleasure to girls way out of your league.
~ Brittney Drysdale
Would love her a long time, if I just could!