2009 sucks. If there were a white people’s zodiac for our ghost-faced calendars, 2009 would be the year of the mononucleosis virus. Its symbol would be a little amoeba-looking motherfucker. That’s why this Red Herring writer has taken it upon himself to ensure the spread of his mono all over campus – to share the suck, real good. You see, unlike the rest of the world, I wish only the best for the microbes navigating and gestating in my salivary glands, no matter the suffering they’ve caused me. Poor things; they only want to join us on our journeys from the womb to the tomb. But before I began my quest, I compiled some important information about mono, the most majestic of germs.
First, mono sticks with you for life, like some kind of HIV that you can make jokes about. I prefer to think of it as a symbiote – like the Black Venom suit is to Spiderman – a cute and cuddly organism that invests in you, spends time with you, and loves to stay in bed and snuggle. Second, and this is tricky, chicks dig danger and scars but not blood test results and sleeping a lot. Third, some people are carrier monkeys who do not show signs of the virus. Fourth, despite what you may have learned at camp, dental dams should not used to attempt safe kissing. And last but not least, all you motherfuckers are stuck with this virus until death, thanks to the following 10 little steps I took:
10. I have pre-licked all the envelopes in the SSMU building, downtown banking offices, and post offices. I shall give a new meaning to the term going postal.
9. I have held numerous slumber parties in the last month, often proposing to my guests we practice making out with our hands, then insisting that for the sake of realism we actually practice on each other.
8. I participated in Science and Management carnivals, Monday nights at Lodge, WaterCan socials, and quite a few romantic misunderstandings.
7. I have been spitting in my roommates’ mouths while they’ve been asleep. I did this before, but now it’s got a purpose. Sorry you had to find out like this guys.
6. I don’t go to Provigo on Mondays to get a 10% discount. I’ve been going bright and early Tuesday through Sunday to hack phlegm on the produce.
5. I have been sucking face with water fountains across campus like a chubby 5th grader who just finished his mandatory P.E. class.
4. I have finally fulfilled a childhood dream to learn the recorder accompaniment to Stairway to Heaven. Thanks for letting me borrow your recorder without permission, Hayden.
3. I pre-sucked all the hard candy my grandmother gives out to nice people during her daily Nice Young Man Awards Ceremony. Keep an eye out for Werther’s Original.
2. I have been challenging girls to chugging competitions with my half-full beers as prizes and letting them win. When they gloat to me, I tell them that “that isn’t all you won.”
1. I farted on all the pillows in Rez. After mono comes pink eye.
~ James Beveridge
