People often ask me why I spend so much time in X-rated movie theatres. Is it just because I’m a patron of the arts? Is it because I love meeting my fans, and having them grind on my lap? Well, that’s certainly part of the reason.
Not only do I enjoy watching movies about random acts of unspeakable perversity, but I’m currently working on a few films of my own. Thing is, if I fail the way my grade 11 math teacher said I would, I’m looking at one hell of a future for myself.
Meet Richard, Your New Mommy
A precocious youngster played by Freddie Highmore, that kid from Finding Neverland who cried a lot, and his vapid whore of a sister (Lindsey Lohan) come to terms when their Dad divorces their mom and brings home a flamboyantly gay boyfriend. Watch as the kids get new wardrobes, and learn about getting pedicures, non-fat lattes, and snorting E in night club washrooms. This film is sure to delight all those who voted NDP.
Testosterone Force: Men vs. Metrosexuals
As for leading men go, today’s field is pretty weak. Jake Gyllenhaall, Chad Michael Murray, and Paul Walker are prissy wusses compared to the heroes of yore (Ed. Note: But what about Vin Diesel?). They’d be too busy shopping or getting Starbucks to kick Commie ass like the old timers did. Enter the Testosterone Force: Clint Eastwood, Steve McQueen, John Wayne, Gregory Peck, and Bruce Lee. These five badasses have more male hormones than a female East German swimmer. The plot doesn’t really matter, but it goes like this: metrosexual ninjas have kidnapped the American president and are threatening to give him a full body wax and spa/facial unless Banana Republic holds a 75% off sale within 24 hours. Due to the rampant homophobia within the U.S. Armed Forces, the government must call upon five real men to rescue the president and restore man’s role in the world.
The Olsen Twins’ 16th Birthday Bash: Director’s Cut
Directed by Roman Polanski.
~Elinor Keshet
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