The California Ballot: A Retrospective Analysis

Although the American election seems long behind us, I thought an examination of some of the more momentous California ballot initiatives could better contextualize the dire state that humanity may or may not currently be in. There were twelve propositions, five of which are addressed in this analysis. The eight unaddressed propositions, including giving veterans farms in exchange for totally bitchin’ war stories, and bonds for children’s hospitals (apparently platinum-coated iron lungs aren’t enough), are fairly intuitive and can be decided with the standard voting analysis tool: a coin flip. If you are a California voter, I hope this guide will make you realize that you were grossly misinformed. If you’re just a political voyeur, I trust your carnal urges will be fulfilled.

Proposition 1: High Speed Rail Bonds

Summary: Build a high-speed rail to link northern and southern California.

Assessment: Trains = yes. But don’t take my word for it. The esteemed (read solid gold mustache’d) economist Sir Hiram Prestingworth earned a Nobel Prize for the proof:

Necessity of owning rabbit-skin top hats, monocles, and gilded canes ∝ Income relative to national average

While I frequently rely on this for guidance, the corollary to this proof, expressed as:

Quality of life ∝ Trains

is marginally more relevant to this proposition.

Initially, I found the most convincing argument against this proposition to be that it represents out-of-state special interests. Upon finding the list of these interests I came to see this argument as somewhat of a cheap shot. Why? Included on the list are New York City and France. Lacking any legitimate case, the opponents of this proposition opted for the perpetual American contingency plan of associating something with France in order to ensure its downfall. I would agree with their logic, though, that many voters are likely to oppose any benefits to the French and their train-taking, Marxist New Yorkers comrades.

Verdict: Proof can’t be argued with. Especially when it’s coming from such an accomplished polo player. Should have voted yes.

Proposition 2: Standards for Confining Farm Animals

Summary: Requires that certain farm animals be allowed, for the majority of every day, to fully extend their limbs or wings, lie down, stand up and turn around.

Assessment: Initially I was opposed to farm animals doing anything besides getting served with a rich sauce and a lightly peppered seasonal vegetable medley. Upon conducting extensive research involving expert witness testimonies, pie-chart interpretation, animal interviews, and subsequent confirmational tasting of interviewed animals, results necessitated a re-evaluation of my position. I can now confidently assert that movement, exposure to light, or compassion will not necessarily render meat unfit for consumption. Additionally, animals that rated themselves as “happy” or higher were shown to have greater overall scores on the comprehensive deliciousness assessment.

Verdict: It benefits both the eaters and the eaten. Should have voted yes.

Proposition 4: Waiting Period and Parental Notification Before Termination of a Minor’s Pregnancy

Summary: Title says all.

Assessment: This proposition may seem at first to appeal to family values-type sensibilities, but in reality it’s nothing more than self-serving legislation for hawkish minors seeking trendy abortions, as it guarantees them the parental discontent and social status that makes abortions so desirable.

Verdict: Everyone knows that the best way to deal with teenagers is to give them exactly the opposite of what they want. Should have voted no.

Proposition 5: Nonviolent Drug Offenses: Sentencing, Parole, and Rehabilitation

Summary: Reduced parole for nonviolent drug offenses; increased parole for serious and violent felonies; expansion of rehabilitation programs; decriminalization of possession of less than 28.5 grams of marijuana.

Assessment: An increased focus on rehabilitation softens prisoners will have a significantly deleterious effect on Fox’s “Maximum Prison Violence Friday” lineup. This proposition would also make possession of marijuana under 28.5 grams (that’s over 16 drams for the avoirdupois reliant) of equivalent status to a traffic ticket, an overt invitation for everyone to be stoned all the time. This is the first blind step down a slippery slope. Today, it’s marijuana, tomorrow, implanted tracing chips, and then one day, we’ll find ourselves doused in Cruelty-Free Incapacitation Spray for our refusal to comply with government-mandated vegetarianism and universal health care.

Verdict: A yes vote means you’re too afraid to lock up the stoned and no longer desire entertaining television. Should have voted no.

Proposition 8: Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry

Summary: Title is self-explanatory.

Assessment: In the event that this proposition fails and Prop 5 passes, it is guaranteed that rabidly stoned gays will be sodomizing in public on the government’s dime.

Verdict: Keep our tax dollars out the pockets of the profiteering gay-industrial complex. Should have voted yes.

~ Mat Leavitt