The National Animal is the representative of its nation. In our case, I refer to the Beaver, which has managed to earn this distinction despite its bad attitude towards wood and it presence on the unnecessary five-cent piece. Frankly, I think we could do a lot better; perhaps an animal that actually does something beyond providing rich girls with the soft pelts needed to line their plush coats. Without further ado, a list of alternatives:
- Lontra Canadensis aka Northern River Otter: Others are basically beavers but without the ego and without an eponymous fried pastry. The only people selling Otter tails are generally unemployable and chemically addicted to gasoline. They are essentially the light beer version of Beavers and would appeal to the “I’m old but I still drink beer” crowd, or the New Democratic Party of Canada. Downside? The otter is constantly under multiple secret probations, resulting from Delta House’s zany pranks on Dean Wormer.
- Gordon Shumway aka Alf: Alf is always a hit at parties, entertaining crowds with his hilarious puns and appetite for household pets. Downside? He has a mole and his taste for Tabby cats may generate harsh criticism from the majority of Canada’s single female population.
- Homo sapiens aka Hayden Simpson (me): A man of many talents, Hayden is the obvious choice. Incredibly attractive, and in peak physical condition, he almost never wears sandals. Downside? Evident prejudices and absolutely zero tolerance towards whey protein.
- Castor Canadensis: Beaver: The Beaver is popular, so we could keep it as our national animal but give it a jazzy haircut. Who doesn’t love a shaved beaver? Undoubtedly, they will be less productive dam builders but will be well received by Canadian dykes. Downside? Everyone at the nude beach would think Canada was a big slut.
I would say all four are very good substitutes, and would lead Canada in a new direction. Notice that none of these suggestions are students at McGill University, with the exception of me, Hayden Simpson. I will leave the decision is up to you. Please email your choice or any complaints to no.love.for.the.beaver@gmail.com . I will be waiting!
~ Hayden Simpson
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When I was
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There sure are a great deal of various breeds of cats in the populace these days. I cannot really pick a favourite one, many are more fascinating to me than others. But in the end I have to tell I love all the cats I have gotten to experience. They in truth are charming little animals. I think that the Siamese cats are very beautiful, but also really crazy lol. I enjoy them, but they can be kind of high strung.