Sherlock Holmes is Cool

Sherlock Holmes is cool. This is a statement that is absolutely undeniable. If you look up the word “contumacious,” “recalcitrant,” or “badass” in the dictionary, you will see a picture of Sherlock Holmes. You will also promptly be smacked in the head by a cane belonging to a very pissed off Sherlock Holmes, looking at you in that way that clearly conveys the message, “Hey shitbag, stop reading the dictionary.” And, if you’re really lucky, he might scoff in your direction and bless your scalp with another strong dose of cane.

            Why is Sherlock Holmes so cool?  Well for one he is fictional, which means that not only does he theoretically live forever, he is able to do anything. If Sherlock Holmes wanted to start flying around strangling Koala bears, all he would have to do is gangster-slap his creator (Sir Arthur Conan Doyle) around a little, and BAM! Sherlock Holmes will start flying around strangling Koala bears. The possibilities are endless. Pancakes for dinner? DONE. Sex with supermodels? DONE. An absurd amount of cocaine use without negative side effects? ALREADY IN THE NOVEL.

Now, I know you’ll be reading this and will probably say something whiny like, “Well, what makes Sherlock Holmes any better than someone like Superman? I mean Superman’s fictional, he lives forever. He’s sort of like a better version of Sherlock Holmes.”

            First of all, stop whining; second, be glad you’re still alive (Sherlock usually kills for that kind of insolence); and third, are you kidding me? Sherlock Holmes is the only fictional character strong enough and smart enough to outwit his author. All the other characters of this world are completely bound by the pen of their originator. Why do you think Superman still wears tights instead of a jersey with “FUCK YOU UP” emblazoned across it? It’s because he has to. Holmes, on the other hand, was once seen violating Conan Doyle’s wife and on more than one occasion spotted wearing Crude sportswear.                           

            Incredibly, these are not the only distinguishing characteristics in the mind-blowing repertoire of Holmes. Holmes is so incredibly good at solving crimes and unraveling sinister plots that he intentionally handicaps himself by strolling around with Dr. Watson, a sidekick that combines the athletic capacity of the late Pavarotti with the reasoning skills of a four-year-old child. Sherlock Holmes pretty much solves every crime and destroys every villain with a two-hundred-and-fifty pound sack of organs tied to his back. Furthermore, Arthur Conan Doyle’s dramatic use of the word “ejaculate” makes Holmes oratory skill far superior to any displayed in the 2008 election. Holmes doesn’t just cause others to “exclaims” things, like normal people, he forces them to “ejaculate”…probably all over each other. Here’s a direct quote from the Memoirs of Sherlock Holmes:

“I heard her shut the door and felt quite sure that she had turned the key in the Lock.”

“The Key!” ejaculated Phelps.

            Notice how Phelps is so blown away by the linguistic strength of Holmes that he is literally forced to ejaculate everywhere. I’m pretty sure the quote continues with Phelps softly moaning in the corner as Watson attempts to coax him back into a state of reasonable consciousness.

            Finally, and most importantly, Holmes is a figure that purposefully combines the cool deductive charms of the liberal arts student with the mind-blowing scientific skill of those genius weirdoes hanging out around periodic tables. Holmes is in many ways the embodiment of McGill University. He is crazy-smart and totally willing to forgo money, sex, and the 21^st century to pursue the greater good – stroking his own ego. Seriously: fuck that stupid Martlet. How great would our athletic teams and academic body be if they were represented by a middle-aged detective? Answer: probably sensational. Besides, I hear Harvard already has Columbo on lockdown.   

                                                                                                                                                                                                        ~ Dave MacLean