Financials

As is legally required of us at the end of every school year, below is a detailed summary of our 2008/2009 financial expenditures and activities, available for public access. As per the results of SSMU v. The Red Herring [2006], we are obligated to disclose not just actual spending and revenues, but speculative and/or suggested sources of income and expenses as well. Our lawyers would like it to be known that, we, the editors of this magazine, only recently became aware of the audio-recording equipment that was installed by SSMU in our office earlier this year. Additionally, we were uninformed of the legally binding status of any speculations or suggestions that were picked up on these recording devices.

The Red Herring Fundraising Events:

-          $1000/plate “War Orphans Dinner”

-          The Red Herring’s 1^st Annual End of Winter Mystery-Meat-Acue (RHMMQ)

-          Donkey Show

Expenditures, Unrelated to Publishing Costs:

-          $400: Lifetime membership to www.indianbuttmagic.com

-          $2500: 1000 copies of Fuck Work! The 2005 Dilbert Desk Calendar; intended for resale

-          $600: Genital piercings for executive staff

-          $870: 19^th century semi-functioning Italian bidet (purchase and installation)

-          $1700: A ‘chewing’ horse

-          $259.99: Flirting with Magic: The Complete Instructional DVD Series (1^st of three easy payments)

Expenditures, Venture Capital:

-          $10,000: Startup capital for Simpson-Beveridge Hypermarket Solutions Inc. to break into the antique semi-functioning bidet restoration market

-          $8,500: All-hooker synchronized swim team

-          $4,200: Exclusive rights to the production and sale of Jim Cramer’s Mad Money merchandise

-          “The Ombudsmen of Orgasm Manor” – A Red Herring Erotic Wall Calendar

At this point our lawyers would like the following to be known:

a)      At the time of purchase in late 2008, we, The Red Herring, were under the impression that the ‘chewing’ in chewing horse referred to its ability to break down hard foodstuffs for later consumption by its owner, not its predisposition towards biting other horses and people.

b)      We were not aware, until early 2009, that SSMU explicitly prohibits the use of club offices to house and care for animals.

c)       We were not aware, until last month, that Strawberry, our chewing horse, had a severe and highly communicable case of E. rutilupiscis, or “horse shivers.”

d)      We were not aware, until last month, that the 2007 Provincial Animal Welfare Act contains specific provisions outlawing the use of antique bidets in the feeding and cleaning of animals.

e)       There was neither intention nor malice in any actions that we, The Red Herring, took over the course of the last year that may accidentally have resulted in the hospitalization of the entirety of the Snowboard Club executive staff with horse shivers

f)        We were not aware that a SSMU permit was required to hold a fundraising barbecue on campus. Furthermore, we were not aware of the particular nature of horsemeat, including its high microbial count and the lengthy amount of cooking time necessary to make it edible

                                                                                                                                                                                                  ~David Groves