According to the Times Higher Education-QS World University Rankings, McGill is the 20th best school on planet earth. Well, apparently none of the judges have been on campus and needed to heat up left-overs, because if they did, they would have found themselves in a line-up longer than Shine’s on Friday night; except instead of an abundance of sexy black girls to look at they would have been staring through the stained window of the only microwave this school has to offer.
There used to be two microwaves next to Tim Horton’s. The one that mysteriously disappeared resembled the enigma code machine from U-571, and subsequently it did not heat food. The one that’s left gets gangbanged every lunch hour and the line ups for it are the most excruciating four and a half to five minutes of your life.
While I stand their developing a cyst, people glance at what I’m going to eat. I find every one else’s food disgusting and I’m sure they feel the same way about my chick-pea slop. It’s especially gag-inducing when someone breaks out their steaming container of food in the areas of study. It usually smells like some kind of curry made from tainted seal meat. I can only hope that these rule-breakers will come down with a nasty case of Listeria.
What makes the situation worse is that the microwave is atop a garbage can, so people discard their refuse right next to your only mode of sustenance. It is especially unappetizing when the garbage bag is physically removed from the can, thus releasing odour and debris.
Concordia has an entire wall of microwaves. I heard that a student went to use one of them and found a Michellina’s from the year 2003. Apparently, kids forget which microwave they used and the search is so exhausting that many of them give up hope. People from Concordia say that they go to Concordia the same way that people from New York say that they’re from New York…and I don’t like it one bit.
It’s frustrating when you think your next in line, but it turns out that the food in the microwave doesn’t belong to the person in front of you. What was once a three and a half minute wait is doubled because some bitch comes out of nowhere to retrieve her pad thai and you’re left watching naan bread become warmer. The moment this drifter returns to retrieve their meal is usually the low point of my day, its only rival being my search underneath vending machines for mid-night kitchen donations.
I’ve heard that there are a few microwaves in the Shatner building. I also heard that Kay turner is always hogging both of them in order to reheat artichoke dip and constantly drags people into conversations about Haven Books.
The other day I was lucky enough to be assisted by a lovely lady from Tim Horton’s, appropriately named Theresa, who not only toasted my bread but buttered it and wrapped it in name-brand wax-paper – free of charge. This incident brought up two points. 1) Why are there never any public toasters? And 2) why haven’t scientists invented a microwave that toasts? They seriously need to step it up a notch, it can’t be that hard, I mean, we do have invisible tanks. I propose that these white-coated lab nerds divert funding from studies on genital cysts and figure out how to get my wholegrain toasted in under 30 seconds, if they don’t I’m going to give them a swirly.
~Rupert Common
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