In a recent announcement made by a spokesperson at PETA, the major animal rights organization has decided to press charges against The King of the jungle, the lion. After a recent personnel change in the front office at PETA, Mr. Brawn, the new president, has decided that their animal rights efforts have not been extended far enough. “We are going to continue our main goal in preventing human enjoyment of animal flesh,” Mr. Brawn stated, “however, animals are our equals, and will be treated as such. That simply means that they will be held to all the same standards as people, and since we do not eat other people, animals will no longer be permitted to eat other animals. It’s simple logic, and it’s simply right!
“If we expect to be taken seriously, we must adhere to our own rules. That means we must go to all lengths to treat animals like humans. I believe it was Thurgood Marshall who first argued that humans shouldn’t eat human flesh. He actually took that one to the Supreme Court in Brown v. Board of Education. And here at PETA, we believe that if Mr. Marshall were still here he would firmly agree with us. That is why this campaign will be carried out in the loving memory of Thurgood. We like to believe he would have liked to be associated with this righteous movement.”
Although the room was filled with feelings of both overwhelming shock and unbearable boredom, Mr. Brawn continued, “To start our campaign, we have decided to go after the main culprit. Right now, we can’t stop all the carnage, but a game of hopscotch starts with one hop, and we think the lion is that first step. If we can make an example out of the lion, we hope that the rest of the animal kingdom will take notice. Eventually, we hope to stop all eating of all animals, which, contrary to what scientists keep saying, will work.”
This news shocked the world of law. Many people believed that tackling the gun industry and the tobacco industry were going to be two of the hardest cases of the century, however, in light of the recent proceedings, law analysts have been changing their minds. “I really think this will be a tough case for PETA,” said Professor Rubins, one of the foremost experts on property law, an expertise that is useless here. “Not only do they have to take on a major, beloved member of the animal kingdom, but they also have to worry about the fact that lions are ferocious creatures and could bite any one of PETA’s lawyer’s heads off at any moment.”
Although this continues to be a developing story, for now we can firmly conclude that PETA is a super un-cool not for profit organization funded by scams and donations and run with the ridiculous belief that animals are somehow equal to humans. However, as a reporter, I feel the need to abstain from giving my own thoughts on the organization.
~Matt Essert
