A spectre is haunting me. It is the spectre of pants. Listen carefully and you’ll hear the roar of the everywoman and you’ll know by the sound of her grunts that she’s trying to do up her pants. For each woman who’s asked if these pants make her ass look fat, for each man who thought it was more the pants that make her fat look like an ass, stand up and say, “no more.” We’re not going to take it. No, we ain’t gonna take it! That sister was probably twisted because her pants didn’t fit. Join me on the path to enlightenment…one leg at a time.
Have you ever looked at your thigh and pictured a luscious Christmas ham? Have you ever ballpark estimated how many people could feast on just one of your delicious legs; tender from lack of exercise, still juicy from that time you ran out of moisturizer and used butter instead? Oh you haven’t? You must be a skinny bitch. You should probably stop reading now. I hear there are a lot of calories in reading.
Have you ever bought pants that were more than a foot too long? Do Capri Pants come down to your ankles? If your inseam has ever been the same length as your waist measurements, you are not alone. When you realized that you were as wide as you were tall, did you think for a second that you might just tip over and roll away? Did you cry a little in the change room? No…me neither.
Have you ever tried to stuff a sleeping bag into its convenient yet perpetually undersized carrying case? Picture that, only it’s my ass and a pair of pants when they’re straight from the dryer and haven’t been stretched out yet. And sitting on my butt to squish the air out doesn’t make it any smaller. My hips don’t lie: baby’s got back. Oh and the work’s not done once you vacuum pack the last cheek in there. One wrong move and it’ll break through those pants like the collagen bursting out of Dolly Parton’s lips; or the silicone out of her boobs; or wherever the stitches haven’t healed yet from her last trip to the geriatric plastic surgeon.
Have you ever tried to wear a skirt instead? Thought you were really smart, didn’t you? It seemed like such a good idea until you remembered that once they’re done chopping down the rainforest they’re coming straight for your tree trunk thighs. Boy Scouts ain’t got nothing on me: one walk around the block on a hot day and you’ve got a forest fire on your hands. Of course, by hands, I mean the charred remains of my inner thighs. Have your legs ever rubbed together so much that a doctor thought the chaffing was a STD? Did you vice grip him between your legs and smother him until you couldn’t hear the stupid anymore? I hope so.
But wait, there’s a revolutionary in our midst! Band aid wearing, tail feather shaking, air force ones stomping, tip drilling, and all around mover and shaker in the world of women’s issues…Nelly. You see, Nelly is the visionary behind Apple Bottoms Jeans, perhaps you’ve heard of them? I hear they go nicely with the boots with the fur. According to Nelly, “a woman should not try to fit the clothes; the clothes should fit the woman,” a novel idea indeed. His goal is to “liberate the natural curves of a woman’s body,” a message that is coming not a moment too soon because my top button was about to revolt anyways.
~Britney Drysdale
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