Taken From Hesiod’s Works and Days
It was a slow Thursday’s eve that mighty Zeus, son of Kronos and ruler of all gods and men, did find himself unhappily in front of his divine computer diddling his privates for the third time that day. Unhappily he did diddle, as he had at long last exhausted the ancient world’s supply of porn, and Zeus did hate to see the same ass fucked twice. A divine frigid bitch was Zeus’s wife, and so parting the clouds Zeus did descend to Earth to pick up.
Zeus in his mortal form was magnificent. Though collars had not been invented yet, Zeus did pop his on high. His slacks of silk blends, unknown to men, needed no stuffing, as they tapered up to display the son of Kronos’s near omnipresent package.
Zeus found a suitable mate in a comely young Theban named Semele. Retiring to her bedchamber, (for his was too far away, he told her), he confided in her that he was the one mighty Zeus. Semele did accept this at once, for she was easily convinced and not unused to role play.
And so the two did enter into a secret liason, Semele the most honored booty call and receptacle for the glory of Zeus. It was not long though before Hera, the frigid and ungratifying wife of Zeus, discovered the affair. Visiting Semele, disguised as her old nurse, Hera inquired into her conjugal affairs.
“Oh my gawd”, Semele did exclaim, ejaculating with pride, “I’m totally doing Zeus.” And she did go on to explain his great collar popped on high, the omnipresence of his package and the ocean upon which he rocked her.
Hera in her guise did nod sagely as though she gave a shat and then offered Semele her dire counsel.
“Zeus may well be a daemon in the sack, but as long as he comes to you as a mortal, you shall never lay with him as immortal Hera does.”
And so it came to pass that the next time that Zeus came down – bedecked now in sweat pants and a baggy robe from the local gymnasium as he was well past seeking to impress young worn-in Semele – that she met him with her arms folded, her legs crossed and her chin imperiously in the air. Zeus did comment on her posture, and upon laying naked on the bed asked her to speed up her own disrobing as he had a rather important meeting in forty-five and they’d have to be quick. Semele in her feminine guile demanded that Zeus swear on the river Styx to grant her one demand whatever it may be, lest she stay clothed today and forever when he came to visit. Zeus did again feel the deep burn in his unreasonable masculinity, and so he relented. Seizing on her opportunity Semele did demand that Zeus shed his divine form and come to her as he came to immortal Hera. Zeus did try to dissuade her, suggesting all manner of shakers and plugs that could perhaps satiate the change she craved, but no, Semele would not be turned on. And so, with some regret, Zeus did shed his mortal form and come to Semele as the greatest of the gods and she did squirm, writhe, bite her lip, moan and was ultimately incinerated by Zeus’s mighty, mighty, mighty, mighty penis.
~Kyle Stevenson
